Have you ever heard of the concept of “subconscious resistance”? It’s the idea that when we’re not sure if we truly want something we tend to sabotage our own goals and aspirations. We may have serious doubts about whether or not we want something, or maybe fear the consequences of what achieving the goal might bring.
It’s understandable. Sometimes when you decide to make a life change, even if it’s a positive one, you’re completely rearranging your world, the people you know, and the daily situations you encounter. Consciously you want the change. But subconsciously, you may actually be clinging to habits, ideas, or even attitudes that PREVENT you from achieving your goal.
For example, let’s say you have the desire to meet someone new and maybe eventually find a boyfriend. You decide to achieve that goal. But part of you is afraid of intimacy. That might be why your first response to meeting a new guy is to disqualify him, or maybe “over-talk” until he gets annoyed with you. These habits might feel natural, but they might also be examples of subconscious resistance.
Along those same lines, many single people may decide that they want new relationships in life. But if they haven’t actually “decided” yet, and given themselves permission to get what they want, then they might still be bringing a lot of baggage to this new relationship. Not surprisingly, these relationships – the kind that we want and yet we’re not ready for – fizzle out early.
Rather than list the individual habits, however, (which are unique to your own personality and mannerisms) let’s instead talk about whether you’re ready for that life change. We’re going to discuss 10 signs that show you’re NOT ready for a relationship. If any of these signs apply to you, tread cautiously…
1. You’re still obsessed with your ex. And if that’s all you seem to talk about with your date, that’s a huge red flag.
2. You haven’t found inner peace and contentment with your life. You might want to find happiness but you’re not actively seeking it. Instead, you’re talking more about your misery to other people you meet.
3. You care more about what your friends and family think then what you or your partner truly want.
4. You’re still thinking in stereotypes. “All men are cheating trash, all men are sexist pigs, men will do anything for sex even fake love, men never display emotion…” These are all stereotypes that unfortunately some women bring with them as they start a new relationship. That immediately puts him on the defensive, even if you say very subtle things.
5. You’re impatient. If you’ve decided you want to get married and have a baby by age 40, no matter what, (and I do understand your frustration!) then you’re already going down a dangerous road. You’re focusing more on anxiety and impatience and NOT on achieving your goal. NOT on finding what you really want. Compromising your values because of time constraints is never the way to finding happiness.
6. You are unwilling to trust him. Of course, you don’t know a man you’re just now dating. But if you don’t trust him, can’t be intimate in mind with him, and are constantly throwing obstacles at him to prevent him from getting too close, you’re sabotaging the relationship.
7. You’ve forgotten how to laugh and have fun. But these are the building blocks of a happy relationship! You have to find someone who makes you laugh, who makes you feel relaxed and uninhibited. You can’t tolerate a man that makes you miserable or bores you. It’s a nightmare to be stuck in a relationship you don’t enjoy.
8. You hate yourself and/or don’t think you’re attractive. This is very negative energy that a potential partner will immediately sense. He expects you to love yourself…because that means you take care of yourself. He doesn’t want a project or to save you. He wants to meet his equal.
9. You hate being alone. Trust me…being with someone, or anyone, is NOT better than being alone. Don’t find out the hard way. If you can’t be alone with yourself, that’s a problem you need to address. Because you must be independent and capable of finding happiness alone before you’re ready to get married. Your future partner expects this and is attracted to this quality.
10. You still feel like a victim. And maybe you were, maybe your ex treated you horribly! But if you still think of yourself as a victim in every new relationship, and find reasons to judge your date, or avoid responsibility, or deny basic truths about yourselves, then it’s far too soon to try again! While it is true that your ex bears some responsibility for the breakup, blaming him entirely is a red flag.
When two people can’t work things out it shows incompatibility between the both of them. They both made mistakes and paid a price. Accepting responsibility (not the blame, but the unflattering truth of what happened) is a sign of maturity. That’s what your new partner wants to see, clarity of thought. Not the angry stage.
These are major warning signs every man pays attention to, even behind that polite smile.
Remember, there’s nothing wrong with taking time to reevaluate yourself, learn about yourself, and love yourself. It’s fine to take years to recover. It’s better to take things slow, or stay inactive if you sense you’re bringing negative, frightened energy to a new relationship. Everyone needs time to recover and there are no exceptions.
If you decide date anyway, ignoring these signs that suggest you’re not ready yet, then don’t be surprised if you make a lot of mistakes on the date. Or, that the guy you meet turns out to be a jerk. Or something else goes wrong. Many people find that they have bee sabotaging their own goals and desires by refusing to let go of the past.
The first step then, in finding happiness and building a productive and happy new relationship, is to make sure you’re ready. Accept the change, allow yourself the reward, and let go of the fear of getting what your heart really wants.
What’s Keeping You From Being Ready?
If a few of those 10 signs fit, there’s usually something underneath them that’s been holding you back with men.
My free quiz helps you find what that is.
