When to Have Sex With a Guy

It seems like more women are asking a familiar question nowadays:

Why is it that when I date guys, they always lose interest in me after sex?

Or this one…an actual question someone sent to me recently:

Why is that most of the guys I date just seem self-absorbed and not interested in me at all unless they just want sex? I don’t want to say that I’m attracted to assholes because I’m not. But it does seem like every guy is just mostly interested in himself and doesn’t care about a real adult relationship.

I am getting a lot of questions like these recently. And my guess is that more and more women are asking these questions because we are in the middle of another sexual revolution. A post-feminist world where we all have the right to do whatever we want and thankfully, no one’s going to pelt us with rocks or run out of town with torches.

Women are discovering that sex is not a big deal…you’re not going to get “slut-shamed” just for taking a chance on a guy. And having a one night stand is not going to ruin your life!

Sex is just sex, it’s an act of love, it’s an act of lust, it’s a form of expression and the pursuit of pleasure.

The problem is NOT that women are having more guilt-free sex. The problem is that we sometimes underestimate the FEELINGS that sex brings. The emotions and thoughts we have because of this seemingly uneventful act.

Sex may not be a big deal socially or in government, or in culture.

But for one person it can be everything. It can be the start of something beautiful OR the start of something horrible—the beginning of a dangerous dating pattern where a men take advantage of a woman and break her heart repeatedly.

It’s an ugly cycle and unfortunately, many women go through this dating cycle without ever investigating the WHY. Why does it happen? Why are all these guys so cold and so one-dimensional when SHE wants so much more from a relationship?

The problem has always been the same. This particular woman is looking for love. She is looking for emotional intimacy. No, she may not want to get married right away, but she does want a meaningful relationship.

Guys who do not understand this (or are too self-absorbed to care) are not giving her what she wants. And the reason they’re not giving her what she wants is because she has never expressed her conditions, her terms, her reasons for having sex.

That’s the start of the problem. Men are not mind-readers. And unfortunately, most men are OBLIVIOUS as to what a woman is feeling right before sex. All they really understand is that they want sex, and YOU have to want sex before they can make a move.

But what’s not being discussed are the reasons why. Why there’s attraction, why there’s a connection, and what you both expect from this relationship.

Here is a checklist of “prerequisites before sex” that will help illustrate an important point. Choosing not to have sex for the wrong reason may actually help prevent painful misunderstandings and improve your dating life by 100%.

(Be sure to check all these off as YES before you let a man pressure you into sex)

1. You are physically, mentally and emotionally attracted to him.

Don’t have sex with a guy unless you feel a strong attraction. There’s no reason to sleep with a guy because you feel guilty, because you WANT there to be attraction, or because he pressures you into doing it. The relationship will never work if you rush sex without desire.

2. You don’t need him to be happy. You’re not doing this to win him over.

I strongly recommend that you NEVER sleep with a guy if you’re obsessively in love with him. If you need him, if your heart is breaking over him, don’t do it. He will sense your neediness and see you as an easy score. You’re looking at this guy like he’s the “solution” to all your dating problems. Stop doing that! No man is going to save you.

Instead, you save yourself – by improving your life and career, improving your appearance, and improving your self confidence. A man is most attracted to you when you are already happy and are not looking for someone to rescue you.

It’s also important to note that if you love this man, you are NOT going to sleep with him to get his approval. That’s not how it works. See below for an explanation.

But if you want him just for sex, then you are willing to forget him and are fine with never seeing him again. Because if you sleep with a guy just for fun, and do it too early in the beginning, you will ruin your chances for a long-term relationship with him.

3. You are not going to sleep with him UNTIL he falls for you.

The simple rule of thumb is to not have sex with a man until he falls for you emotionally, intellectually and personally. If you sleep with him too soon, you will never give him the chance to get to know you. You will never challenge him and prove to him that you’re special and NOT like all the other girls he could take to bed.

The question then is what does it mean “falling for you?”

It’s not necessarily that he falls in love with you. That may be teasing him beyond what he can bear.

What it means is that you do not initiate or accept sexual intimacy until he experiences a strong emotional connection with you.

Not just one emotional moment, like hearing your opinion on love. A true emotional experience, a connection, and a moment of emotional intimacy that will catch him off guard.

Usually this happens when you bond closely with him and let HIM spill his guts to you. Let him tell you secret. Ask him about his career or his personal passion. Show interest in his life and ask about his fondest memories. Show him that you are interested in him as a person, and that you’re not just playing a game where both of you wants sex but he has to play his cards just right.

It’s about bonding and intimacy. Genuine feeling. It’s not a game.

Once he begins to trust you, he will want to learn more about you. That’s when you can start sharing information with him, gradually, slowly, making him wait and making him crave more. He loves waiting. He loves the mystery that you project.

Keep him on slow burn. By the time he experiences the emotional connection, he won’t just be having sex with a pretty woman. He’ll be experiencing true intimacy with a person, an equal, who cares for him.

Remember this and you can break out of this dating pattern where you feel used and mistreated. Maintain your dignity and don’t let a man take advantage of you. Challenge him just a little bit and watch him fall in love.

About The Author

Matthew Coast

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