What if he says he just wants to be casual but acts like he wants a relationship?

A question from someone in our community is…

“I’m in a “friend with benefits” type of relationship with a guy… but he acts like he wants something more. How do I know what he wants?”

This is a great question…

Back in 2006, I was a men’s dating coach. I ran a forum that was pretty similar to some of the forums I now have for women.

I had this guy come onto the forum and tell me that he was seeing this woman who he broke up with… He told her that he only wanted a “friends with benefits” type of a relationship.

He said that she agreed. And that he takes her out, sees her almost every day, and they sleep together often.

He said he was having a problem because he started hitting on her friend and she was getting very upset about it.

He didn’t understand because “she knows I just want to be casual with her”. And he asked me, “What is her problem?”

He literally had no idea what her problem was!

After I explained to him how much of an idiot he is, I told him that he can’t treat her like a girlfriend if he’s only going to have the label “friend with benefits”… and all of her friends are totally off limits unless she says differently.

Men and women look at relationships much differently. To most men, being in a relationship may mean something completely different than to a woman.

To a man, being in a relationship may mean that he has to be able to provide a certain way for the woman he’s with woman.

To him, it may mean that he has responsibilities and obligations that he doesn’t feel he is ready for or in a good place in his life to have.

What if these things that you may think are excuses are actually legitimate concerns for him?

Men want to be loved too. They want connection and to be seen and cared for, just as much as women do.

And many times, if a guy treats you like you’re in a relationship yet only wants a “friends with benefits” type of connection…

He may just not understand how this makes YOU feel. He may be totally clueless!

Most guys understand women less than you understand them.

I rarely meet a woman who can be in a “friend with benefits” type of a relationship with a man without developing feelings for him.

Yet I know guys who have spent decades only having these types of relationships… never really feeling like they’re ready for something more.

Men aren’t doing this to hurt you or get one over on you. They simply don’t understand why you feel so much differently than they do.

Your strong desire to get into a committed relationship doesn’t make any sense to him if he’s in this space.

So, let me answer the original question real quickly…

The first thing you need to do is ask yourself if this is really the type of guy that you want in a relationship… or if you’re being blinded by how you feel for him.

Many women blindly get into relationships because of how they feel and not because they think the guy they’re in love with would make a good partner.

This is how a lot of women get into bad situations…

And if you want to know what his intentions are, do this:

WARNING: Do not ask him where he thinks the relationship you have is going. This will quite possibly freak him out.

First, tell him what you’re looking for ultimately in a relationship. Don’t include him in this vision of yours… just tell him what you want to ultimately have.

Second, let him know that he can tell you anything and you won’t get mad or weird or anything on him. His biggest fear is that he’ll tell you the truth and you’ll freak out.

Note: If you do this and then freak out about what he tells you, he will NEVER trust you again. And he’ll just hide what he thinks from you instead of being honest.

Third, say this, “So… I’m just curious. What are you looking for in a relationship?”

Then just keep your mouth shut and let him talk… if there’s a lull in the conversation, just let him think and talk. Don’t interrupt.

And if he says that he’s just looking for a “casual relationship” or doesn’t want anything serious, say this:

“Really? I know you say you want something casual but you really act like you want something more. What’s up with that?”

Act like you’re an explorer on a fact finding mission. Don’t judge what he tells you, just ask open ended questions and listen. Just allow him to express himself and what he feels.

If he says he doesn’t think he’s ready or in a good place for a relationship, ask him, “What do you need to do in order to be ready for one?”

Just remember… if he tells you he doesn’t want a relationship or that he just wants something casual, take him at his word.

Being in a relationship might mean something entirely different to him than it means to you.

And if he is ready yet he still doesn’t want a relationship with you, it’s simply because he doesn’t feel THAT attracted to you yet.

You’ll never convince him of your reasons why he should commit to you. He needs to have his own reasons to do so.

If he doesn’t, things will never work out.

And if you want to develop something more with him, you need to amp up the attraction that he feels for you.

The Secret Words That Make His Heart Yours

Today I want to give you some words that you can tell your man that will make him want to give you the relationship you’ve always dreamed he’d have with you…

These words form something I call a “Love Frame” that make a man feel like it’s his mission in life to treat you like a queen.

If you’re struggling to get your man to “step up” and give you the romance you’ve always wanted, you need to watch this video right now…

Click here to watch the video <<

These words will work on him even if…

…your man is pulling away from you or ignoring you completely…

…you think you got intimate with him too soon…

…or you feel like your situation is hopeless…

Because once you understand it…

You’ll be able to trigger a flood of emotion throughout his body that melts away all resistance…

Making him see you as the perfect woman for him…

A woman that he wants to pursue, fight for, and be with from now until the end of time…

Click here to learn the words that make him yours <<

Talk soon,

Matthew Coast

P.S. Try out these seemingly innocent yet strangely powerful words on the man in your life and seem how quickly things change with him…

Making him feel more love for you, more of a connection to you, and more of a desire to please you than he’s ever felt for anyone before in his life.

Click here to discover the words now <<

About The Author

Matthew Coast

What's stopping you from meeting Mr Right and having the relationship you want? Click here to take the quiz.


  • Nsovo

    Reply Reply December 8, 2014

    Thank you so much for this e-mail. .infact for all your e-mails,they’re very insightful. . .they make so much sense. .

  • fuzz

    Reply Reply March 13, 2015

    I’m newly talking to a guy back in my country. But I’m working overseas. We plan to meet in the next two weeks. How do I establish if he likes me or not??

  • Carin

    Reply Reply March 14, 2015

    Thank you for all the advice and emails I read your post and take note, I am in a new relationship so this really opened my eyes as to how men see things I have decided to give this man space as I do not want to mess up a friendship, but I make sure it a good way that he knows I see him for the man he is and I uplift him, thank you

  • Maddie

    Reply Reply March 14, 2015

    Hi Mathew,
    Thanks for your excellent advice and insights!

    I’m a single mom of two great kids aged 6,9.
    I share joint custody of them bi-weekly with their dad whom I was married to for 17 years.
    I’m a young looking and petite 38 year old.
    I’m also a university instructor and earn a good living in Canada.
    Whilst on a trip to LA last April I met Erik, a great looking guy who used to teach math and we get along really well, although things aren’t perfect. The night we first met at a club, his friend was hitting on me but I didn’t like his style and started tking to his more shy and quiet friend Erik. As soon as we chatted for an hour I became very charmed and laughed so much. Then the Sparks started. I came back to LA a month later to see him but things weren’t good between his friend from the bar who was also his roommate who told Erik he was jealous I picked him and he owed erik rent. We still had a great time but their strain was difficult. He ended up having to move into a smaller Bach pad and then his life went into a downward spiral all while I was in Canada. He wasn’t in touch as much and then when I went back at Halloween to visit my girlfriends he was more distant when I saw him but we spent every night at his Bach pad
    Together even though I’d rented my own my own place. Because he was broke I paid for his meals etc.
    I just stayed with him again last month and paid for everything again. He promises he will treat me when he gets back on his feet but it’s not the money thing that bothers me. He told me that he can’t be emotionally involved with someone who lives so far away and he can’t be responsible for my kids. I told him that I live in Van which is only a two hour flight away and that only their father And I can be responsible for my children. He tells me deep secrets and I think he loves me and I care a lot for him but once again his communication has dropped off. Should I just give up?! Every time I think about cutting him off my heart aches
    Yours,left my heart in Los Angeles

  • Rihana

    Reply Reply January 12, 2016

    Hie.. i have been friends with a guy from quite sometime and with time i kind of developed feelings for him. But he had a broken relationship arnd 3 years back but he is still not over her i suppose. He cares for me and knows that i have feelings for him. But he doesn’t want a relationship. I actually left him and stopped talking but he tries to talk to me again and again. He is confused i suppose. Should i keep talking to him? Or give him time to decide.

  • Andrea

    Reply Reply May 29, 2017

    Thank you Matthew,

    “The first thing you need to do is ask yourself if this is really the type of guy that you want in a relationship… or if you’re being blinded by how you feel for him.

    Many women blindly get into relationships because of how they feel and not because they think the guy they’re in love with would make a good partner.

    This is how a lot of women get into bad situations…”

    Those are the exact words I needed to read right now. I’ve gone from one bad situation to another for a number of years. Currently, I have 5 different men all expressing interest in one form or another, provoking my feelings and muddling my thinking.

    Your article is perfectly timed for me to stop and reflect, before I would have stepped blindly in the wrong direction once again!

  • Kasper

    Reply Reply March 29, 2018

    Hello. I’ve been seeing a guy for a little over two months. He always tells me how much he enjoys spending time with me, how kind I am ect. Sometimes he’s even public with his affection. He has told me he only wants something casual right now because he is not in a place for a relationship. He just ended things with me romantically even though we discussed a day ago that we were both okay with casual with the possibility for something more down the line. I keep finding myself in these situations of men that are “not ready or interested” in being in a relationship. It’s happened so many times it feels like it’s me that’s the problem. Like I am not enough. I really like this person and he is so different but I feel like his mind is made up and there’s nothing I can do now.

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