Should You Date Feminine Men?

 

Here’s one of the more complex topics we’ve covered here and it’s very timely, considering the changing landscape of sexual politics and gender identity.

Should you date a feminine man? Are dating strategies reversed in a situation like this when traditional male-female roles are completely different?

In the old days, “girls were girls and men were men”, thus sayeth Archie Bunker, who saw things from the World War 2 generation’s point of view. And yeah dating advice from over 50 years ago was very different from today because the culture changes drastically in that period of time. We don’t live in that world anymore, when I can definitely say that “all women are attracted to this” or “all men are guaranteed to do this.”

That’s insulting to readers today and to single people who have by far experienced many exceptions to the “rule”.

This is an even more perplexing question since my usual philosophy is “men chase, women elude.” Men are designed by nature to chase women, which means a woman who keeps her man chasing her and knows how to motivate him to try harder, is usually what works.

So what does happen when the roles are reverse and you’re attracted to a man that breaks the mold of a macho “alpha male” type? He can’t be easily identified as a “type of man” because he’s fiercely original, and he goes against all stereotypes.

Maybe he’s even more feminine than male. He could be metrosexual, a millennial gender-fluid type of guy, or even someone who considers himself bisexual or transgender. Anything’s possible and it’s true that there is no “one trick that’s guaranteed to work” with all men or all women because gender and sexuality is more complicated in an intellectual society.

There’s also another often ignored “type of guy” – the so called beta male. In the 1970s, the Woody Allen type of personality was glorified for a while. This high anxiety guy was always aware that he wasn’t a macho or jocular type of man—but he compensated for that with his humor, his attentiveness to women, and of course, his eagerness to be with women and to be outspoken in wanting to date them.

The beta male thus became alpha in his own way, impressing women in ways that better suited him—such as intellectual discussion, romantic gestures and a great sense of humor.

So now that we’ve discussed some of these personality types, let’s ask a few simple questions to determine if you should date a more feminine male.

1. Is he confused or is he simply feminine?

A man confused about his sexuality is definitely NOT the same thing as a man who accepts that he’s male and attracted to women, but still very opposite the traditional male. A man may have feminine qualities or perspectives but he still desires you, and still wants to pursue you in his own unique way.

Encourage that and let him chase you with whatever skills and resources he needs to feel confidence.

If a man is confused about his sexual identity (whether it’s LGBTQ confused or just confused about what he wants out of life) it may be dangerous to get seriously involved with him. Men who don’t know their future are emotionally volatile. They may think they love you one minute and break up with you the next, because they don’t quite know themselves yet.

Determining if he actually wants a relationship with you or if you’re just a phase to him is therefore the most crucial step.

2. Does he exhibit positive characteristics that are female and or male, and thus very advantageous to an honest relationship?

Men who are more in touch with their feminine side do very well in heterosexual relationships, particularly in handling conflict constructively. Whereas the usual manly man type of personality avoids frank discussions of feelings, feminine men are very honest and approach conflicts more like women. They may also relate to you better, have very good communication skills and be more open emotionally.

3. Is he a typical man who just so happens to enjoy female activities?

Another shade of grey to consider is the feminine man who has feminine preferences, hobbies and perspectives, but who actually behaves like a male in most other areas of life. He may be dominant in the bedroom but still enjoys Disney princess movies. He may love shopping, Broadway musicals and sampling different perfumes.

But this behavior, while stereotypically gay or feminine, may not actually indicate ANYTHING about his real personality. He may be surprisingly macho, or even emotionally stunted, and come with all the usual foibles of dating a traditional man.

With all we know about sexuality and gender, it’s simply not accurate anymore to say that because a man acts this way, he must definitely be that way. No, the best thing to do is to have an honest conversation with him and find out for yourself what he is and how he actually acts vs. the stereotype.

4. Does he want to avoid sex early on? Because that’s great!

While it may be stereotyping to assume feminine men are not as much into the one night stand as traditional macho men, most people do agree: feminine man tend to take relationships more seriously because they are emotionally open. They are intuitive, sensitive and more willing to let down their guard. So don’t rush them or feel the need to play mind games with them. Feminine men may actually act virginal in many ways and have a virgin’s sense of idealism. If he doesn’t seem to want to rush sex then enjoy the lack of pressure. Spend more time getting to know him as a friend and emotionally bonding.

5. Since he is unorthodox can you accept his uniqueness…especially when it comes to having female friends?

It’s not just gay men that attract platonic female friends. Men with feminine qualities tend to attract many women as friends, probably because he’s NOT trying to bed them all and so it’s easier to be friends with a sweet and supportive guy who has no ulterior motives. Accepting that he has a lot of female friends may be challenging at first, but remember dating a feminine man will not be the “norm” and may introduce you to new situations and feelings than a traditional relationship.

Rather than resent him, talk your feelings out. Don’t hold anything back. The honest and emotionally naked dynamic between you two will be one of the best features of this nonconforming relationship.

The simple answer is, if you’re still attracted to him even though he has feminine qualities, then there’s certainly no harm in pursuing a romance—one that goes his speed and is respectful of his unique dating perspective.

In the end, I do also believe that chasing is universal. If he likes you, he will want to pursue you, chase you and impress you just the same way a more obviously masculine man might.

The key is to let him chase you on his own terms rather trying to turn him into a more traditional man. You’re attracted to him for a reason. So explore the relationship honestly, without the need to normalize it. Unique love is romantic!

About The Author

Matthew Coast

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