My Husband Ignores Me (Why And What To Do About It)

You know something changed.

Whereas your husband was once romantic, gallant and ahem, very sexual, he’s suddenly become withdrawn, uninterested, and just plain weird. Maybe he’s even become cranky or mean-spirited in recent weeks.

What went wrong? It’s understandable why you’re feeling confused and maybe even heartbroken over the change in dynamic. You may wonder if you’re doing something wrong, or if he’s changing, or hell, maybe ALL marriages are doomed.

Don’t worry, it’s perfectly natural to feel afraid. And despite what he probably says, I KNOW that it’s not in your imagination. Sometimes men are in denial, but rest assured, they feel it, you feel it, and neither one of you are happy.

But don’t give up on the marriage if you really want to stay together and find that love again. It’s NOT a matter of you’re doing something wrong or he’s doing something wrong…it’s simply a matter of you both want a change. So it’s time to start working towards that goal, progressively and compassionately.

So let’s discuss point by point on why your husband is acting this way and what he must be feeling.

1. He doesn’t feel as masculine as he used to feel.

Men are by nature independent. This spirit of freedom gives them their feeling of masculinity and confidence. In fact, it was his masculine and “free” personality that first charmed you. So if you notice that lately he seems less interested in doing things with you and more interested in hanging out with guy friends, it’s possible he misses that sense of independence and freedom. This happens all the more so as he ages into midlife. If he senses that you are discouraging his independence, he will withdraw from you.

Solution: Don’t fight his need for independence. Encourage him to spend time with his friends and make new friends. Encourage him to pursue his hobbies and forgotten passions. Be supportive of him. Don’t order him to take you along for the ride, but always offer the option, showing him that you love to be part of his life…but that’s it never mandatory.

He will sense you are on his side and will start to open up again.

2. He’s really stressed about sex.

It’s important to remember that men (and hell, everybody!) gauge the happiness in their relationship by how much sex and affection they give and get. So usually, if a man is unhappy there is some sexual problem and that fuels his resentment.

If he feels ignored sexually, he is feeling stressed and taking it personally. Now the actual problem may be more complex than just “not having any sex.” If he feels embarrassed, or scared, or even suspicious of your loyalty, he will not enjoy sex and so he’ll avoid it. By nature we avoid what makes us uncomfortable. Over time, it becomes such a taboo, that we actually become afraid to talk about it and may even lash out defensively when the subject comes up.

Solution: The key is to open lines of communication. Don’t worry about being romantic or being polite. It’s time to talk honestly. It’s time to get used to talking again, intimately, so that you can tell each other what you want in this relationship.

It’s very important to avoid being critical and instead to approach the conversation from a positive point of view. Focus more on how you FEEL, rather than what he’s doing wrong. Emphasize what you WANT, rather than telling your husband what he should be doing, or what other men do. Take a positive voice, with good humor, with respect towards him, and with a smile.

Don’t just talk about sex as if it’s a chore. Be sexy. Make him feel sexy. But most of all, be honest and upfront about what turns you on, what fantasies you find exciting, and what you want out of your sex life. Be sure to give him equal opportunity to speak and confess what makes him feel loved and feel desired. Ask him to confess his fantasies. Rekindle not just your sex life, but your INTIMACY. That makes all the difference.

3. He misses the long conversations.

Remember the best part about early dating? No, not sex, think before that. It was the great conversation you enjoyed together! That spark, that banter, was what made sex so great later on. It’s what made you get married in the first place, that trust and that unique friendship.

So if your conversations have gotten shorter over the years, maybe even non-existent, it’s easy to assume romance and sex have also dwindled down to nothing. The key is not merely to rev up your sex life (although yes, do that too!) but to start dating again. Don’t talk about sex, as if a pair of handcuffs and rose petals will fix everything. What’s missing is the romance, the dialog, the FUN you used to have interacting with each other.

If all you do now is convey information, give distant hugs and kisses, and send errands via text, you’ve lost that special connection. You’ve lost the joy of dating. You need to get that back.

Solution: Make a date night and go out. Live again and try to do something outside of your usual routine. Sharing new experiences as a couple will help you to open up and start expressing yourself to each other. You can also ban all information texting and only use messaging for flirting, talking and dating each other, just like old times. Notice the difference! You’ll feel connected again and it will be wonderful.

4. He doesn’t feel the thrill of the chase anymore.

Finally, let’s remind everyone of the biggest motivation when it comes to men. They want to chase women and they want to be rewarded for it! That never changes, even if you’ve been married for many years. He still desires you, which explains why he’s stayed with you and vice versa. But the chase hasn’t been going on for a while.

He doesn’t chase you anymore because he doesn’t perceive you enjoy the chase. If neither of you take pride in your appearance or get dressed up to go out – if you don’t flirt and talk like people on a date – then there doesn’t seem like much of a chase, does there? Of course sex is going to be routine.

If you want him to chase you again, take pride in being attractive. Be excited about HIM getting all dolled up and sexy for you. And then, just when sex seems imminent…playfully make him chase you. Flirt with him. Be coy. Tease him. Pretend like you’re a good girl and you’re suspicious of this rogue. That’s how you encourage him to chase you, by resisting, then by rewarding him for his effort.

Following these tips will put the joy and mystery back into your sex life. Rekindling the love and lust is not just about breaking out the dice and sex toys! It’s about rediscovering each other and reconnecting, letting that bond between you grow.

About The Author

Matthew Coast

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