Mistakes Women Make Trying to Get Their Ex Back

It could be argued that the single worst piece of advice ever given was, “Just follow your heart!”

I know, that sounds very unromantic. But let’s face it, as many happy ending love stories we’ve heard about that started with the phrase “Follow your heart”, there has also been many terrible tragedies that started with the phrase “Follow your heart.”

It’s always a wonderful feeling to follow your heart, sure. The heart knows what it wants. Love sometimes can’t be explained. Or in the words of Emily Bronte, “He’s more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.”

The only problem is that exclusively trusting your heart, even when it betrays all logic and wisdom, is a dangerous move. Because if you fall in love with a narcissist or a jerk or a selfish guy, or just a man who doesn’t love you back, you’re bound to be hurt.

I think it IS a good thing to follow your heart…that’s what makes love real. It makes marriages stronger, makes families stronger. But the problem is when you risk too much and don’t have a strong sense of self-preservation and personal identity.

That’s when you make a mistake and as it happens, sometimes you lose everything.

Let’s face it, if you have low self-esteem, and you’re putting all of your trust in a man who may or may not love you, you’re prone to take serious and even life-threatening risks.

That’s why one of the first things I teach clients I work with is how to build back their self-esteem and their sense of self-worth. If you have a healthy self-image, that is you love yourself, you will not usually not make impulsive mistakes. You will have the ability to follow your heart, but also, to make wise decisions.

And that’s why for this article we’re going to talk about impulsive mistakes. Because yes, at times making an impulsive mistake does FEEL like you’re following your heart. And every woman who comes out of an abusive relationship, or a disastrous breakup, admits, “I thought I loved him…I thought I was following my heart.”

Mistakes Women Make Trying to Get Their Ex Back

Let’s consider four of the most common mistakes.

1. Becoming the “Stalker”

It almost feels like an addiction. You need him to survive and so you reach out to him, filling his phone with text messages, or trying to talk some sense into him over the phone. You try your damndest to make him understand how much you love him.

Yet, he is indifferent. He’s resisting you. He may even become irritated by how hard you’re trying. Even though it FEELS right to you, this is the behavior that’s pushing him farther away.

To you, this feels like a strong gesture of love. To him, it feels like you’re stalking him. I know it’s unfair, and it’s upsetting that he refuses to see your perspective.

But this is all the more reason to let him go. IF you’re going to win him back you have to let him go and find himself and the independence he craves.

2. Becoming the Beggar

Even though you may try to cool it with the “reaching out” behavior, your attitude is still the same. You beg him to come back. You handle the problem maturely, or so you think, by assuring him that you will accept his terms and conditions. Whatever it takes to get him to come back home.

Unfortunately, in most cases, all you ever get when this happens is a man taking advantage of your kindness. He will either refuse you altogether or he will demand terms and conditions that are unreasonable. When you surrender all power to him, you no longer have an equal relationship built on mutual respect. That’s the problem.

3. Making Grand Romantic Gestures

It is wonderful when you finally find a guy who is sentimental enough to appreciate grand romantic gestures to get him to come back. The only problem is, this technique doesn’t work on most men. In fact, MEN are usually the ones who like to use this tactic to get their ex-girlfriends to come back to them. That may be why most men resist this male-centric tactic.

Whether it’s buying him gifts, or writing him love letters, or showing up unexpectedly at his job (a little less romantic and more frightening from his perspective), all of these tactics are dead wrong.

You’re bribing him, you’re showering him with attention. You’re hoping and praying that he comes back to you, realizes his mistake, and whisks you away to Yesterday, when you both seemed happy.

That’s the problem. If you want to repair the relationship and get back together with him, you really CANNOT go back to the way things were. Too much damage has been done. Too much trust and intimacy has deteriorated over time.

In order to create a new relationship, you must start a new friendship with new rules and terms.

4. Sleeping with the Ex

This is perhaps one of the most common mistakes – and yet one of the mistakes so difficult to spot ahead of time. The problem here is that even though you DO play the game correctly all the way to the end, you make one fatal mistake.

You sleep with him too soon, assuming that you’ve finally won him back because he feels something. Now we go back to square one. He’s satisfied his curiosity, having had the “New You” and wants to go back to being friends.

Unfair, right?

It is. But not to worry, in a future article entitled “The One Thing You Need to Know If You Want to Get Your Ex Back” we’re going to discuss how to go about winning your ex back.

For now, make sure you get rid of all these “strategies” that are 99% sure to backfire. Follow your heart – only when it’s in line with your logical mind! Resist these impulsive mistakes and you’re halfway to recreating the relationship you want.