Let Him Come to You After a Break Up

Let’s get ugly for a minute. Break ups are terrible. There’s nothing honorable about breaking up with someone you love. Frankly, when it happens it feels like the end of the world. You might feel like you’re never going to love again.

You’re relieved on one hand. Because the stress of an unhappy relationship is gone and that feels good. But now you’re wondering if you made a mistake.

A few weeks pass. Now you’re panicking. Your life feels like it’s in disarray. Your whole world’s falling apart and all you can think about now is how much you miss him. You wish he would come back and make things right. But it doesn’t happen.

More time passes. Now your first instinct is to reach out to him. You’re feeling lonely, heartbroken and long for the old days when something was certain in your life.

You might even think about submitting to him. Begging him to come back. Make promises, persuading and convincing him to give the relationship another chance. You might even consider crying or guilting him into coming back. Anything to get him interested in you again.

But as you can probably guess by now, all of those instincts are wrong.

They are naturally occurring yes. But they’re wrong. Ultimately, even if you try to do all those things, you’re going to lose.

Instead of taking rash action, it’s time to slow down, think, feel, and focus on yourself. Then focus on what happened in the relationship.

Let’s start our discussion by considering what actually happens in a break up and then let’s finish by discussing the psychology of HIM coming to you after a break up, and why it works.

Reasons Why Most Break Ups Happen

1. You were chasing him, mothering him, clinging to him. He wanted to chase you.

Relationships that are one-sided will oftentimes self-destruct. He fell for you the first time because (A) of your independence (B) the fact that he likes you and had to chase you. As the relationship progressed, you became less independent and started “chasing him” by becoming more controlling.

2. You wanted more control over his happiness. He just wanted you.

Your instincts tell you that if you keep him happy, he’ll keep loving you. That’s half right but with an asterisk. You can’t MAKE him happy. You can only offer emotional support. He must be happy on his own and determine on his own that he’s happy with you.

When you try to take care of all his problems and show him how to be happy, that’s when he starts to feel robbed of independence, not in control of his own life, and longing for the old days when he had that independence.

3. One of you grew up, one of you didn’t.

Young relationships often self-destruct as the two of you grow older. What attracted you back then (usually superficial qualities) don’t seem to work in your new adult life with more responsibility. If he’s the one that never grew up and still persists in negative behavior (cheating, drug addiction, poor money management, etc.) then it’s no wonder that you discovered how incompatible the two of you actually were in personality and lifestyle. Staying together was a source of stress because you wanted different things.

4. You took each other for granted.

Withholding love and affection, not supporting his ambitions, and not communicating regularly are all insidious traps that can destroy a relationship over time. A relationship must be nurtured and cherished or else unhappy partners begin to look elsewhere and that’s when trouble starts.

Of course, there are a number of other reasons why relationships end. What these common reasons emphasize are that the relationship ended because it was over.

You could no longer live together. You realized you were incompatible partners. Whether you ended it or he ended it, it was obvious that things could not go on as they were.

That’s why HE should come back to you first. Not only do men like to chase women (and they actually resist women who seem to chase them), but men also like to lead in the relationship. They determine how interested they are and how determined they are to win your favor.

If he wants to get back together again, then he should make the first move to show you that he’s serious about changing and fitting your lifestyle and personality. If he makes an appeal to resume the old relationship again just the way it used to be, it’s doomed.

You’ve been there and done that.

When he comes back to you and you see that he’s willing to create a NEW relationship with new rules, a new dynamic of attraction, and more positive behaviors and patterns, he demonstrates his commitment to you. You avoid making the same mistakes as before because you immediately let him know that he must chase you, he must meet your new standards, and he must seriously want to make this new relationship work.

When you wait for him to contact you, you let him know that HE determines the pace of the relationship. He determines how interested he is. He works for what he wants. And he has to win you over, since it’s his idea to get back together. He’s more willing to make changes and show you that he’s serious about commitment.

That’s just the way he wanted it too, because when you tried too hard, or started chasing him, you changed the dynamic in the relationship. Simply put, if you don’t make a man work for the relationship, he doesn’t see the value in it.

As we’ve discussed, there’s nothing wrong with waiting for a man to get in touch with you. It’s the most effective way to guarantee the NEW relationship will be built on a stronger foundation.

For that matter, the NO CONTACT phase is not a mind game. It’s simply a choice that you’re making and a rule you’re following IF you want to create a healthy relationship that works. You don’t want the old relationship back and he must realize that. You want a brand new one and that’s worth pursuing.

About The Author

Matthew Coast

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