Does the No Contact Rule Work On Men?

Some people claim that the “no contact rule” works better on women than men. Men might share stories about how ignoring their ex-girlfriend, or a woman they’re crushing on, seems to make her want his attention even more.

That brings us to the obvious question does it also work on men?

Yes, in fact, I think it works on men far better than it works on women. While there is evidence to suggest that women take breakups harder than men do, at least statistically speaking, men tend to actually report “more feelings of anger…and self-destructive behavior” than women do.

This indicates that men hurt comparably to women after a breakup. They feel the loss right away and in fact it damages their self-esteem. Women in a 2011 study showed that while they actually lost more self-esteem after the breakup, they had better “perceptivity than men regarding their future relationships” and what they might do differently next time.

In simple terms, that means women were more focused on getting over the breakup and in progressing into newer and healthy relationships. The men, however, had more ego issues to address. They needed more “fixing”. They repressed their feelings. They sought comfort in hookup sex, but they were afraid of being intimate. Afraid of trusting someone.

I even had a male friend once who told me that after a series of bad breakups he considered himself “asexual” because he just couldn’t seem to make any of them work. Sad, right? That sounds like an unwillingness to confront one’s true nature. A lack of perceptivity…and that makes all the difference.

So yes, there is part of a man’s heart that will always want you back – except perhaps in rare instances of toxic or dysfunctional relationships. By in large though, a man doesn’t want to give you up. Especially in the beginning, but even after months of grief and “moving on” (which of course, few men actually do), there is still part of him that will miss you dearly.

Does the No Contact rule work on men? Of course, because in the back of his mind he’s wondering what you’re thinking, if you still love him, if he still loves you, and what could happen in the future. He’s at such a delicate stage emotionally, he’s not even sure if he wants to lose you or take you back. He wants to know if you’re dating someone else but he’s also not sure if he can handle it.

Do you see how obsessed he is with you? And he’s not even sure he wants you back yet, but he’s still thinking about you in the back of his mind.

So let’s discuss three reasons why the No Contact rule actually works in your favor – and why longer months without talking also works to your advantage.

1. You get to “detox” from him and focus on yourself.

The most crucial stage is detoxing from him – because this silent stage allows you to break the hold he has on you. It lets you distance yourself emotionally and not feel the crazy roller coaster ride of emotions that happens when he’s still in contact.

In order to survive the breakup, and get the upper hand, which is crucial, you must stop responding emotionally and must return to a feeling of confidence. You will even start to notice that, over time, you begin to see things that went wrong in the relationship. Things you never saw before because you were blinded by emotion and passion. The objectiveness, the emotional break, gives you that new perspective.

Remember you don’t owe him an explanation. You can explain to him later why you had to cut off all contact. For now, you don’t need to ask his permission. Just disappear.

2. Let him miss you. Let him obsess over your disappearance.

Now hold on, this doesn’t literally mean he thinks you’re missing off the face of the earth and uh oh we better call the police! No, don’t scare him to death. But after assuring him that you’re okay (not suicidal or depressed or anything like that) tell him you need some time away. You have things to figure out.

Once you tell him that the NO CONTACT rule begins. Do not message him, do not call him, do not assure him that everything is all right. Do not like anything he posts on social media just totally detox from HIM. He must understand that this break is the END of the previous relationship.

3. Work on yourself first and let him catch up to you later.

With this alone time, you finally get to meditate and figure out where things went wrong. You get the distance necessary to understand the problems in your past relationships. Now you can work on improving yourself – managing the flaws and changing the attitudes that have brought you to this point.

Now that’s not suggesting that it was all your fault and he was perfectly fine, of course not. Everyone makes mistakes in relationships. But you don’t improve yourself “for him”. Rather, you improve your life to pursue YOUR happiness.

You project happiness, confidence and independence. It shows when you meet people. Oh yeah and you can bet your ex feels it! He knows something about you has changed. He’s dying to know what has changed about you, what is still the same (is the woman he loves still in there?) and his curiosity only grows over time.

And when you give evidence of your great new life via photos, conversations or discussions with friends, guess who becomes jealous? Your ex becomes obsessed with you, wanting you back, wanting to be part of that awesome new life. But has he earned it yet with his behavior? You tell me.

Remember, relationships come to an end because of an endless cycle of negativity. By following the NO CONTACT rule, you start a new relationship based on positivity. New feelings, new rules – a new relationship! And this one might be the one that works.

About The Author

Matthew Coast

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