What is my next move.

Anonymous asked 4 years ago

 I’ve been dating a guy for 3 months and I have fallen head over heels in love with him. I have not told him how I feel about him because I wasn’t sure if he felt the same way for me. He has experienced several bad relationships and he seems very gun shy about relationships now, but  he always tells me how awesome that I am and that it is nice to be with someone who has it together.  Everyone tells him that I’m a keeper and that he better not let me get away. Out of my curiosity and my own stupidity I wanted to see if I could find out how he really felt about me before I bared my feelings to him so I  secretly looked at his text messages to see what if anything he says about me to his friends. I am not proud of myself and in fact I’m very ashamed of what I did.  I was also very shocked and devastated by what I found.  He has never once given me a reason to suspect he is seeing or talking to anyone else so to my surprise I find messages to another woman. We have never really said that we are exclusively dating each other so maybe I shouldn’t be upset by this but it was definitely a stab to my heart.  I just don’t know what my next move should be. should I admit my mistake to him , ask for his forgiveness and tell him how I truly feel about him? Please help

1 Answers
Matthew Coast Staff answered 4 years ago

Hi, thanks for the question.
Part of what I do here is not only give out advice but also help women see what is right in front of their faces but they don’t want to pay any attention to because it isn’t what they want it to be (if that makes sense).
First… I don’t think that you really need to apologize to him about looking through his phone. I know that a lot of guys are going to hate me for saying that but I believe in transparency. And while looking through his phone makes you overly snoopy and distrusting… I don’t think that it’s something that you really need to apologize for.
I think you need to work on open communication and trust… that’s what I think of the snoopy, secret phone thing. Also, just for future reference, you’re unlikely to see anything that a guy feels about you by looking through his phone.
Men don’t act like women do… for the most part. He’s not going to confess his love for you and talk about how he wants to frolic through meadows and open fields with you to his friends through text message.
It’s just highly unlikely. If you want to know how a man feels about you in the future, look at his actions and his attempts to protect and provide for you.
Also, going to him and confessing your true feelings in hopes that he’ll feel the same way or somehow be convinced that you’re now “the one” and he should be exclusive with you… well, let’s just say that’s a common thing for women to do and it almost always backfires in their faces.
I created an article on my blog called, How to Create a Committed, Lasting Relationship. Step 1 on there is to find a quality, relationship oriented man. And that’s what you need to determine whether this guy is one of those people or not. Because if he’s not interested in a relationship, there’s NOTHING that you will ever do that will convince him to commit himself to you.
The other big problem that you have here is something we call Boundaries… Regardless of what you decide to do here, you need to set boundaries with him. I talk about how to do this in my newsletter… so if you’re subscribed, you’ll get an email about exactly what to say in order to set exclusivity boundaries with a man.
At this point, I’d suggest that you let him know that you don’t sleep with other men while you’re sexually intimate with him… and ask him if he’d be willing to let you know if he plans on being sexually intimate with someone else because you don’t want to be intimate with someone when he’s being intimate with other women.
And make sure he verbally agrees with a “yes” to letting you know if he’s going to become sexually intimate with someone else. If he says anything other than “yes” or he doesn’t agree to it, I suggest that you set a healthy boundary for yourself and tell him that you don’t want to be sexually intimate with him anymore and stick to that if it gets to that point.
The problem is that whatever is going on in your head, is a lot different than what is going on in his head. He probably thinks he’s got a great casual relationship going on and you probably think that something deeper is there… And you need to go through the steps of making sure you’re developing a relationship.
I know too many women who date a guy for years… without ever having “the talk” and end up having wasted years of their lives in relationships with men who didn’t want a real relationship with them. It’s great that you have fallen in love with him… but if you’ve fallen in love with a guy who doesn’t want a relationship… you’re going to have a broken heart no matter what you end up doing.
So… just to recap… find out if he’s looking for a relationship. If he’s not, you’re wasting your time with him. If he is or isn’t… have “the talk” with him in the way I described above or do what I say in the email newsletter.
I hope it works out for you. If it doesn’t, just remember to do those two things before you get intimate with another man. Otherwise, you’re just setting yourself up for predictable heartbreak in your future.