what happened?

Anonymous asked 4 years ago

Hello Matthew. 
I met this great guy about 2 months ago, he’d broke up with his ex 4 wks before we met. We started dating and everything was great. We talked everyday, he was very sweet and caring. We seemed to connect in every way and we fell for each other pretty quickly or at least I thought we did. He told me after about 4wks that he loved me. I was slightly alarmed at first but I was happy. He told me everyday that he loved me and missed me and I felt the same. Then 5 days ago I noticed that he was becoming distant. 3 days ago he texts me and tells me that it’s his ex that he’s in love with and she needs him and he will always be there for her. This is the ex who was determined to break us up and he let it happen. I can’t work out why, we were happy and had fun together and he promised me that he was over her and it was me he wanted to be with. Now I feel like I’ve been used and then just thrown away after he had his fun. He’s not back with his ex but I feel like he just used me to make her jealous. I feel like such an idiot! I’m confused and I feel lost and upset that he used me this way. His best friend said he was an idiot for choosing his ex over me because I made him happy. Now I’m sat thinking I’ll never be able to trust anyone again! I feel sucha fool.
christina x

1 Answers
Matthew Coast Staff answered 4 years ago

Hey Christina,
I’m sorry to hear about your breakup. That sounds like a really tough situation.
In the future, I’d suggest being a little more careful about a guy who is still in contact with his ex. You don’t control who you have feelings for but you do control who you date.
I’ve walked out of relationships in the past because of someone else’s ex… and while I’m not exactly sure what happened in your situation (I’d need a little more information about how he behaved, not just what he said), it sounds like he was fulfilling his new found lack of intimacy with you.
Another thing to think about is that people don’t control who they have feelings for. I don’t know if he truly loved you or didn’t (I’ve seen just about everything and there are a lot of weird people out there) but I do know that he may have felt it for you and it went away…
He may have been in love with both of you. He may have been suppressing his feelings for her and in denial… and then finally came to terms with it. Love’s a crazy thing that sometimes doesn’t seem to make sense (even the best rules for love that I know aren’t always accurate… and I know a LOT about it).
The important thing is that you don’t spend too much time beating yourself up about the situation. And don’t swear off men completely forever because of it. That would be like taking a bite of a rotten apple and then never eating apples again because you think they’re all rotten.
Instead, just make sure that if you’re going to eat fruit, you know what healthy, ripe fruit looks like and you know what it looks like when its rotten (my analogy for a healthy man). It sounds like you ignored some possible red flags because you wanted it to work out… which is normal and happens to the best of us.
Remember to take care of yourself and build yourself up if you need it. And don’t focus so much on what happened and what you did wrong… if anything. That will just drive you crazy.