What happened? Can ex's really be friends?

Relationship Questions and AdviceCategory: Breakup RecoveryWhat happened? Can ex's really be friends?
Anonymous asked 4 years ago

Dear Matt,
I am writing to get your advice and about what happened in my last relationship. I was dating this guy for about 7 months. From the beginning he told me that he was moving to a different state, I assumed it would be in 4 to 6 months, but his plan was more like 1 to 2 months. As time went on we started spending more and more time together but we never really defined our relationship. I think that I was afraid to ask how he felt about me for fear of finding out that he did not feel the same way I feel. So as time went on we continued to see each other regularly and around 4 months of us being together he asked if I would consider moving to another state with him. I told him that I think it’s a big commitment and that if I were to consider it we would have to talk about the details and make a decision together about when and where to go. I also told him that we had never defined our relationship and I had no clue how he felt about me. He told me that he thought we got along great, he cared about me, that it would be a shame to let this go, and that he would not like to see me with anyone else. I took that as a sign that he had actual feelings for me. He also said that he thought the reason why we got along so well was because we did not put any pressure on our relationship, In a sense we did not need any labels. After a while I started to get anxious about us and how he was feeling about me, everything was in limbo. About a month later I told him that I would not be able to move with him because I did not have the financial means for it. You see I am applying to school to finish my architecture degree and it’s more expensive to move out and start in a new city and pay out of state tuition etc. Looking back on it I was afraid to make a leap forward with someone who has not expressed how he felt about me. Even so we continued to date and get closer. About a month before we broke up he started to get very distant, he would not call anymore, he would not text like he used to, but he would still answer my calls and want to hang out. At some point I asked him to be honest with me and tell me what was going on I felt him pulling away and I did not understand what was happening.  He said that things were fine that he was just busy, so I tried to give him his space but the more space I gave the less time we spent together until eventually we would only spend an hour together a week and that seemed to be enough for him. When we broke up he told me that he did not expect us to be together for this long and he thinks it’s easier to break up now, than if we had a year together. He did not want to lead me on and he is not ready for a long lasting relationship. He said he would still like to hang out and be friends I told him the truth that I would not be able to see him with other girls and not feel jealous. Basically I would have to get over him and look at him as a friend not a lover. So my question is, what do you think happened, and is it a good idea to try to be friends with your ex? Will I put myself in a bad position if I decide to be his friend? Thank you for any advice you can give me.

1 Answers
Matthew Coast Staff answered 4 years ago

Hi, thanks for the message and the question.
Have you ever heard the phrase, “You can’t fit a square peg into a round hole?”
Well, the reason he broke up with you is because he doesn’t want a relationship! If a man doesn’t want a relationship, it doesn’t matter how he feels about you… it doesn’t matter what you do… he’s eventually going to break up with you (wow, that rhymed!).
That’s the whole reason… nothing more to it than that. If you want a relationship that lasts, you MUST find out whether the guy you’re seeing is looking for a relationship too. If he isn’t, he’s going to break up with you.
I don’t care if you see each other every day. I don’t care if he tells you he’s in love with you. I don’t care if he treats you like you’re the most amazing woman ever. If he doesn’t want a relationship, none of that matters. He’s going to break up with you.
And that whole, “I think we get along really well because we don’t put any pressure on our relationship” thing is basically him saying, “I don’t want a relationship so as long as you don’t pressure me into one, we can keep seeing each other. But as soon as you want something more, I’m leaving.”
All the signs are there.
Can ex’s be friends? Absolutely. I’m friends with some of my exes. However, there are plenty of situations where you shouldn’t be friend’s with your ex.
If you think that you will want to get physically intimate with him again, don’t be friends with him. If you think you’re in love with him and being friends means that you won’t get over him, don’t be friends with him until you are over him. If you’re going to be friends with him hoping that somehow you’ll get back together eventually, don’t be friends him.
Only be friends with him if you think that you can maintain healthy boundaries (ie. don’t sleep with the guy) and you feel like you can just be a friend with him and not get pulled from creating a real relationship with a person who wants something more with you.

xbakekaincontri1 replied 4 years ago

thw good