Anonymous asked 5 years ago

Hi Matthew, Thank you for all your wonderful advice. My ex and I had a long distance relationship for a year and a half which began in and things ended about 8 months ago. What led to the relationship ending was that I felt like he was not into it as much as I was. We live on 2 different continents with 7 hour time zone difference and when we were together he did all the visiting because it was easier for him to get around financially and also to get time off work than me. He has 2 young kids from a previous marriage (his wife died 6 years ago, it was very sudden and tragic) and I met the kids for the first time whilst we were still together and we instantly bonded. Anyway, he stopped communicating like he used to and i felt like he was so self absorbed as the relationship progressed so i ended things. The mistakes that i made during the relationship (now that i discovered) were that whenever I was annoyed with his behavior i would ignore him or act “bitchy” as he described it. We remained friends after the break up and a few days ago he decided to come and visit with his kids. I asked him to let me know where they will be staying when they arrive so that I could come visit them but when he got here he didn’t make contact until i sent him 2 messages asking him where they are staying so i could visit and all I got in response was kind of an “offish” answer. So i became upset and when he decided to make contact with me again later on that day, I did what i always did (which I realise now was wrong) I ignored him and his messages completely. He was obviously upset and disappointed, even more so because the kids were asking for me the whole time and I never got to see them. I was beyond devastated that I never got to see them and I tried to explain to him what he did that made me ignore him but i don’t think he understood. I feel he doesn’t always admit when he is in the wrong too. We exchanged a few messages back and forth and eventually, he said goodbye, for good. I look back at it now, how he made the effort to fly all the way out here with his kids to see me again and i feel like the most terrible person in the world for letting such a silly thing get in the way of seeing them again…and I have also come to realise that I still love him very much and I want him to be a part of my life, all 3 of them…but i’m sure he is very upset, and maybe even fed up with me…how do I make this right? Have no idea where to start…how do I get him to see me as he used to?

1 Answers
Matthew Coast Staff answered 5 years ago

Hey there, thanks for the question. Just so you know, I sell a product on how to get an ex back. If you’re really serious about getting him back the amount that it costs to purchase isn’t even close in comparison to the value of getting your ex back. And that program is probably your best chance at getting him back.
Now, I’m not here to judge you and tell you what’s right or wrong or good or bad. My job is to help you understand a man’s perspective and give you tools and resources to create a healthy, committed relationship with a man.
I don’t know what he said to you or what his “offish” reply was, but what I do know is this:
If I came to visit with my kids (I don’t actually have any), especially fly somewhere to see someone, and then that person ignored me while I attempted to make contact… and then my kids were disappointed and upset and I ended up leaving without any contact, that’s probably the last time I would ever talk to that person regardless of whether they were in a relationship with me, a friend, or even a family member.
You may not get the severity of the situation but let me clue in on something real quick… whatever his actions were do NOT give you a free pass to completely ignore him like that when he flew to see you with his kids. You are a grown woman and you choose how you behave in every moment of your life regardless of whether you take that responsibility on or not… you are responsible for your actions.
You chose the path of revenge. That path has certain consequences involved with it. And if you stick to him telling him how his actions led you to behave the way you did, he almost certainly will never speak to you again (at least I know I wouldn’t).
However, if you own up to your actions and take complete responsibility without blaming, condemning or explaining how his actions led to yours, you may have a chance. There’s no way that I can guarantee anything because what you did was emotionally abusive, at best.
If I was in his situation, you would have to come to me with a serious, heartfelt apology and listen to me rant at you without making excuses or blaming anyone other than yourself in order for me to even consider talking to you again. If you wanted to be in a relationship with me again, you’d have to fly to where I was and apologize to me in person… and probably apologize to my kids as well.
Again, I’m not condemning… just telling you how I would personally feel if someone did something like that to me. He would need to either be a very forgiving person or someone accepting of emotional abuse in order to feel okay about the situation you’re in with him.
I suggest you start off with that apology and let him vent or whatever he needs to do first. It’s very possible that you are far from getting him to see you in a positive light right now, let alone seeing you like he used to.
It’s going to be very challenging if you live on another continent with a 7 hour time zone difference between the two of you. It would be very easy for him to decide to brush you off.
Here’s the Bright Side: The good news is that if he was traveling all that way to see you it’s because he likes you a lot. It also means that he’s extremely hurt by you (we are hurt the most by the ones we love).
The reason this is good news is that if you apologize in the right way and take full responsibility for yourself and your actions, it’s very possible that he’ll forgive you and accept you into his life again.
It may (probably will) take some time for him to let go of his anger and frustration but if you can remind him of what you used to have, it’s very possible that his desire for what you had will outweigh your incredibly inconsiderate and abuse behavior.
You may also want to make a vow to him that you’ll start communicating with him like someone would in a healthy relationship instead of withdrawing and ignoring him like someone would in an abusive relationship.
I know what I’m saying makes this sound severe… but in reality, it is pretty severe. Seriously, how would you feel if you flew half way across the world to see someone you cared about and then they ignored you when you wanted to take your kids to see them?
Think about it. And think about how your actions impact the people around you. Would you want someone to treat you the way you treat them?
If not, then don’t do it.