Back and forth

Carol asked 4 years ago

I started seeing someone 3 years ago. He had been cheated on before and is/was very afraid of being hurt again.  He would move so fast and make long term plans and then freak out and blow me off.  This has been going on for 3 years and has happened about 5 times.  This last time he came to me, said he had wasted 3 years, knows I am the one for him and because I am now in a relationship(one that is over I just have not moved out yet)he wanted to have me move in directly with him and get married.  I put the breaks on and said that is way too fast.  Yes we have known each other a long time.  Let me back up by saying one of the main obstacles is we live on the opposite sides of a big city.  I recently started working from home.  It is an hour on a good day and that was the main reason he was wishy washy.  Now that I can live anywhere and I NEED to get out of the situation I am in it is fine.  My issue is I met him for lunch a couple of weeks ago.  He wanted me to meet his kids a few days later and then he flaked.  He HAD bought me a ring already at this point.  He realized things were too fast.  Though he still wanted to go home with me to meet my family in June….then he just blocked me and stopped talking to me.  Nothing got physical when I went to see him.  I didn’t want to feel used again.  So we are speaking again and wants to have dinner.  I really, really like this guy and I really do think he gets scared.  What can I do?

1 Answers
Tabitha Pratt answered 3 years ago

Yikes! I am so sorry, this sounds like an emotional roller coaster!
I wonder why this guy keeps dangling the carrot in front of you? You have also spent 3 years of your life attached to someone who is not giving you what you want or need. My concern is how much you are focused on him, what he is doing, how he is behaving, what he wants, etc. While being selfless is commendable, it is actually a yang (masculine) quality. A male only learns how to grow from boy to man through selfless GIVING. I get the gist that you two have been intimate in the past with little commitment or none from him! This is where you went wrong – the female must always RECEIVE something that she wants from the male – typically this is commitment. BEFORE SHE GIVES BACK (sexually).
I am going to encourage you to place the focus on yourself. Rewrite your entire question from what YOU have done in this scenario, what did you or didn’t do, how were you FEELING towards him, how do you feel towards him in this moment, what did you put up with, what parts of him are you accepting, what parts are you rejecting, where might you be pushing and pulling?
Back and forth is never fun! Do not give him exclusivity before he gives it to you! Dinner? Sure! Sex during his ups and downs? Nope!
I love you sugar!