am i wasting my time? its been over a decade

Relationship Questions and AdviceCategory: Commitmentam i wasting my time? its been over a decade
Anonymous asked 4 years ago

I’ve been with my guy for over a decade and he’s cheated on me mutiple times and we have lived together 3 times. I just moved back in with him 6 months ago. I’he grown a lot as a person in this past decade I’ve taken mutilple relationship courses to better my communication and understand men. Everything from rori raye to Micheal firore text the romance back to the drama method by Arron fox (which BTW is the most effective course) and I still feel like I’m wasting my time. Even though I’ve told him multiple times that I don’t want to be in a dead end relationship cause I want marriage he says he wants that but yet two months later he’s telling me different.  I’m looking for a relationship to grow together and one minute he’s in and then he’s not. I don’t know what to do anymore as I gave this one last real chance and I feel like I’m not getting the proper support.  I initiate everything from texting to sex. The only time he seems to contribute is when I don’t care and I give up. Then he’s all over me with kind words, affection and love. He’s depressed and I’ve tried even getting him to meditate with me but I’m stuck. I want it to work out but this is wearing on me mentally. Am I just wasting my time? 

Krezza replied 4 years ago

Hi Jacqueline,Sorry it’s taken me so long to respond to your cenmomt. We learn to take things personally from such a young age, as the Ego is developing and we are the centre of our world, we believe everything emanates and is a result of us being in the world.Hence later in life we still have this mindset. It’s such a revelation to begin to let go and realise that how people are, their behaviour, their actions and responses tell us more about them than about ourselves. lots of love to you x

1 Answers
Matthew Coast Staff answered 4 years ago

Hi, thanks for the question. It sounds like you’re in a relationship that must be exhausting.
First, I just want to address this idea of you going out and getting a bunch of programs. I commend you for seeking help and getting courses like that. While I don’t know everything about those courses that you took, what I do know is that most programs out there are all about how to manipulate a situation so that you can make a person do something different.
And when it works, it seems like that was really effective. It usually isn’t though because most programs are just band-aids that don’t really get to the heart of the issue and help you work through what’s really going on.
And for you, what’s really going on is that you’re trying to turn a frog into a prince. You’re taking a guy who has cheated on you, won’t commit to you, and doesn’t really want what you want and you’re attempting to get him to be the guy that you want him to be.
And so no matter what you do with him, while it may seem effective initially, isn’t ever going to really get you the result that you want. Its a well documented and researched fact that even in the face of death, most people would rather do nothing and potentially die than change their habits, behaviors or fix themselves.
Then you come into the mix trying to fix someone for that person… and it turns into this things where you’re basically helping him stay broken because you’re giving him everything that he’d want to fix himself for without needing to fix himself.
The quick answer to whether you’re wasting your time or not… is YES. You are wasting your time with him, as he is right now. You had more than enough information to determine that you were wasting your time 5 years ago and probably even longer, if you really stop to think about it.
Stop spending your time with someone who thinks he wants you one minute and isn’t really sure about it the next. Find someone who thinks of you as a definite yes! Value yourself and your relationship enough to only be with someone who is going to commit to you.
And never tolerate someone who cheats. The first time he cheated on you you should have left him and never looked back. Get out of there before you waste any more of your time.