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How to Keep a Man from Pulling Away.

How to Keep a Man from Pulling Away

If you’ve had your heart broken before then you well know the pain of watching a man pull away. It’s especially painful if the relationship was going so well before it careened out of control—and seemingly over nothing!

How is it possible that a relationship that seemed so promising, so intimate, could self-destruct in a heartbeat? A single argument? Or worse yet, a gradual devolution, where you watch a man fall in love…then get used to you…then slowly realize you’re really more of a friend than a wife.

It’s devastating! And it only hurts more when you don’t understand why.

And I’ll tell you what makes it worse—the fear of losing him. That always escalates the feeling and makes you feel paranoid, which only makes him want to pull away even more. It’s a vicious cycle of weakness and panic.

And I’ll tell you right now if you want to keep a man from pulling away and make sure the relationship stays strong you need to STOP that chain reaction. You need to summon your inner goddess—strong, confident and wise.

Here are three ideas on how to do just that—how to keep a man loyal to you, against all odds, so that he never even feels tempted to leave.

1. Don’t fight his independence.

This is perhaps the biggest mistake most women make. They start to panic when a man shows signs of desiring independence. He breaks the rules, or bends them, he “growls” at you and does something brazen.

You interpret that as aggressiveness, unhappiness, and signs that he’s going to leave you. You’re losing control over him, right?

But here’s the thing—ALL men want to be independent. All men, even the ones who have been married 50 years. Men simply do not want to be controlled. They don’t like the feeling of it and they will rebel if they sense that you have too much control over their lives.

This is why the best thing to do is stay calm and centered and realize that a man pulling away from you is OKAY. It doesn’t mean he’s ready to leave. And it doesn’t mean that you need to “fix the problem ASAP.”

All it means is that he’s craving independence. Maybe he wants to go camping. Maybe he wants to have a new hobby completely independent of you. Maybe he wants to buy a new car without your permission. Whatever it is, he’s determined to do it. So the only logical thing to do is to go WITH the current rather than against it. Let him do what he wants and give him the gift of independence, which is all he’s asking for.

It’s perfectly natural for men to want independence, even if they’re in love with you—even if they’re married to you! This is just a normal cycle of a long-term relationship.

And yes, eventually he WILL come back to you. The question is, are you strong enough to handle his mood fluctuations and to allow him the gift of being alone?

He needs to work out his feelings and you should be more than happy to give him what he wants rather than forcing him to feel something contrary to his instincts. Giving him what he wants, after all, is the loving thing to do.

2. Stop holding his hand…let go completely and STOP obsessing over what he’s thinking or feeling.

This is another challenging aspect of the “pull back” because your instincts are empathetic. You want to ask him what’s wrong, you want to know what he’s thinking, and gauge when he’s coming back.

But once again, this is the opposite of what he wants. As soon as you start to pull him back in, he once again resists your efforts. He senses the manipulation and resents it.

The problem is that when you pull back, even though you think it’s the caring thing to do, he senses it as an intrusion on his privacy. Now, there’s no incentive for him to come back.

He must feel that incentive to come back, which means you must ignore him long enough to for him to miss you. Don’t call him, don’t email him, don’t drop by or offer to help. Because the most important thing is that coming back to you must be his idea.

That’s the incentive for him…he misses you, he makes the effort to come back.

3. Welcome him back and show him that you are in perfect control of your emotions.

I know, your instincts are to punish him and lecture him about how much it hurts when he withdraws like this. But I’m telling you now, these long speeches are wasted on him.

The best time to “punish him”? Immediately after he distances himself. You “punish him” by NOT RESPONDING. You stop communicating. You stop rewarding him, you stop indulging him. That’s the best way to handle your ambivalent feelings, by showing him that you won’t play this game and that you won’t respond to it.

Now, when he finally does come back to you (and he almost always will, because during this time he’s missing you dearly) it’s time to change the attitude. Don’t welcome him back with terms and conditions. Don’t lecture him or punish him for doing something right.

When he does something right, like coming back to you and showing you affection and apology, (the desire to be close again) reward him with POSITIVE FEELINGS. Express how happy you are that he’s back and how it makes you feel safe, comforted and desired when he does share his feelings with you.

You’re showing him that being intimate with you is a fun, positive and heart-warming experience. Distancing himself and backing away results in COLD, LONELY feelings—the negative. It’s a simple system of positive reinforcement and passive resistance.

That’s how you and I understand it. From his perspective, he just wants to know that he can be independent and be his “old self” once again. He needs to know that you are not going to lose control of your emotions just because he desires a change.

If you master this basic series of reactions to his “pull back” he will recognize you as a strong woman who knows him, knows what he’s thinking, respects his needs, and knows just how to react to him.

He will find your maturity and grace in the midst of this conflict comforting. Positive reinforcement is what will bring him back. And once he reconnects with you and feels the emotional catharsis that he craves, he will realize you’re an important part of his life—and a life partner that he cannot live without!

You win this “game” by staying the course and being strong in spirit.

When He Pulls Away, Text Him THIS

If you’re tired of men pulling away from you and you want to know how to make him want to come back and never leave again…

Here’s the secret…

In order for a man to come running back to you, he needs to feel two things…

The first one is REGRET for pulling away in the first place.

If you attack or punish him for pulling away, you’ll only make him want to pull away further.

Instead, you want him to feel like coming back to you is more pleasurable than being away.

The second thing you want him to feel is like HE MISSES YOU.

He can’t miss you if you smother him with calls and messages.

Apologizing, trying to see if he’s mad at you, seeing if he’s okay…

This only makes him feel like he needs more space.

There’s a 4 word text message that will make him feel both of these things when you send it to him.

If you’d like to hear what the text message is, click the link below right now to watch a video about it…

Click here to learn more << 

Talk soon,

Matthew Coast

P.S. If you want a relationship where a man loves you, sees you, and cherishes you, then you need to watch this video…

Click here to learn more << 

 

 

 

31 thoughts on “How to Keep a Man from Pulling Away”

  1. Hi Matthew. I read all your articles and take all your advice. I really respect your insight and appreciate your guidance.

    I keep reading the articles about How To Keep A Man From Pulling Away. I’ve done everything you suggest, and it is not helping. I’ve been seeing someone on and off for 7 months, since October. The first 3 weeks were great! Then he disappeared, after he spent the night with me. I was a little upset but figured I didn’t have a lot of time invested so I forgot about him and tried to move on. On Christmas I messaged him and said Merry Christmas. That was it. No response. I messaged him on 2/2, his birthday. He replied thanks, and said he’d been working out of town. I didn’t reply. Just kept silent after that. 2 weeks later, on Valentines Day, at 5AM, he messaged me saying Happy Valentine’s Day. I was surprised, and happy and said thank you, that means a lot to me. I actually got a lot of messages that day, but this one meant the most. I don’t know why, since he’d been ignoring me. He continued to message and call after that, for 3 months. We only met a few times, he spent the night a couple times. Each time, he ignores me for another 3-4 weeks. I make small effort and message him and ask how he’s doing. If he doesn’t reply I don’t try again.

    I’ve really grown to like this guy A LOT! He is about 10 years older. Has 4 adopted kids in his home, works on one side of the country, has a beach house on the other side that he has to take care of, and we live right in the middle. I understand he is busy, he has a lot on his plate. He has helped me through some tough family issues. And we’ve gotten very close in the time we have spent together.

    My friends are telling me he has another girlfriend in the other city/cities. I don’t want to believe that. What do you suggest? Confront him and ask him? Wait it out? Give him my expectations to communicate at least once a day? I am so sad right now, it’s been ten days since we’ve talked. I think he is working out of town again. But is he really?

    I have met 2 other men this week. I’m not really interested in them, but trying to keep my options open. But of course my mind is on him.

    Thank you for all your advice and suggetions!!

    Kelly

      1. I always pray for my dearest and closest friends and family. As well as the people whom I call Messengers and Angels.

    1. Sounds like a total player and user. You’re worth a million times more than the piddly crumbs he’s “giving” you. Run!!

    2. Kelly. I thought i have a perfect husband EVERYTHING has always been perfect for 10 years….last week a lady walks up to my door and tells me that my husband has went to her house 3 times a day for sex for the last 5 years. She knows everything about everyone in my life and everything that has happened. I am crushed i work at walmart and I remember helping this lady at my work…i had NO idea that anything was going on…

    3. you just need to back off
      stop being si easy
      you deserve better
      if he comes around then it is his action
      but if someone ghosted me like that
      i would not be having sleep overs
      he is getting what he wants with no
      resoect towards you
      tou are very worthy of more

    4. Your friends sound correct. You are in an imaginary relationship. and unrequited love situation. The intimacy bonded you to him, but he’s not interested in a relationship. It is one sided. You chased him by texting after you had not heard from him. Please start dating other people and don’t initiate any more contact with him. If he reaches out first, then respond.

    5. Any updates, Kelly? Your story is a little bit like mine only my guy lives in the same town. I don’t think he has someone else on the side but he’s kept me so separate from his main life I would have no way of knowing. He hasn’t even revealed where he lives. I don’t know if it’s his attachment issues or what but I normally just try to go with the flow. I laid some things out about how I feel mainly from the context that I have to have respect for myself. I haven’t heard back but I’m not going to henpeck him for answers. It’s very difficult to step back but standing up for your relationship rights does help.

      Again- would love an update.

      Colleen

    6. Tiffany A Demarest

      You don’t listen to others advise..he’s like the rest..you listen to your heart and gut..if it seems wrong it is move on..that simple no mind games if feel it there if not I know you get it

    7. Don’t allow him back. He’s only using you for sex when it’s convenient for him. If he cared about you he wouldn’t ghost you after spending the night.

  2. Thank you so much for this arcticle.this is the perfect solution I e been seeking and I appreciate the enlightenment you have provided me

  3. KELLY
    if your man is a GeminI, this is typical.
    He could be or is a workaholic, and very busy. He could be contacting you for Sweet love. Or he could be Just Gemini, married, having an affair, on Line with other women and looking for quick hook ups.
    BUT if he is s gemini, Gemini’s don’t like commitment, and Gemini’s take a long time for feelings.
    Geminis have a list of followers. They talk to everyone, and most of the time people think the Gemini is into them. They just love to be nice and flirt
    YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING.
    You have to decide. Is he worth waiting to see if he does have eyes for you? Or is he just playing a game with you.
    If he is not a Gemini, you may be dealing with A PLAYER.
    If he is a Gemini , read all you can on Gemini’s.
    You will be surprised
    Good luck
    Pearl

    1. Pearl, you are so right! I have known a Gemini for three years now and could pull my hair out. I’m an Aries, so independent and headstrong. He is a single dad with his own business and pulls away a lot. He has a great sense of humor and loves to tease. He lived with me for nine months and I definitely had a live/hate relationship at times. He loves fixing things for me, but is critical of everything I do for him. Everyone has told me to dump him, move on, forget him….but we have SO much in common! Snd sparks fly with fire and air.

  4. My situation is much to complicated and different to share here, but, I wish I could. However, I can certainly relate to these stories and no matter what stage of life we’re in, or circumstances, love and relationships can brake our hearts. We women seem to be hard wired to want to fix them, and that’s usually the downward spiral it seems. Thank you for helping so many Matthew, I love reading your emails and listening to your advice.

  5. I have been married for 18 to my best friend we split sept 1 I am not doing well. He started becoming a different person about 5 years ago it really kicked in 3 years ago brings this girl home said they r just friends because she only dates women. Well I watched to people look like they were faulting in front of me. I was deeply devalued told I was just jealous because he had a friend. I’m not a jealous person and I give him lots of freedom. He told me he wasn’t in love with me any more and he didn’t trust me. Why u ask so did I . Answer it was slot of little things. Lol billshit as this women can walk on water and I get treated like the garbage u throw out. He became mean . Like some one jumped in his body he seems like he has become a convert narcissistic if I didn’t know any He gave me the woman you’re having an affair with a picture of her dog framed for Xmas. We were watching her dog for 8 months . I was never told were she lived. I can’t believe I put up with it. I’m a very strong women and this man makes me crumble. I finally got an answer to why he fell out of love with me. He blames me for him having great loneliness. Yet he doesn’t acknowledge anything he has done I could go on forever on the examples of what he did and how stupid I was the hardest part is I still very much in love with this man he just realized after six months how badly he hurt me it’s very deep and time is not making it better. I’m pretty sure he’s been screwing around on me for five years now that I’m away from him. I am realizing how foggy my Brian was like I had a cloak on me for 18 years. But he wasn’t like this until about 5 years ago really 3. I know the Honorable decent man that I married is underneath how do I OK to come down again.

  6. I met a guy in Nov 2o20 we got on so well had a great time together there was no sex life but it don’t seem to bother ether of us it was just something we were going to work in with each other .. we went on a holiday together for 5 days we got back home things were fine … he went to see his brother But was still texting me. Came home had a nite out with his mates we caught up the following nite and he was just cold and switched off .. what happened ?? My gut instincts have NEVER led me wrong about people.. I feel we would of made an amazing couple as we had so much to give each other .. he has now blocked me and I cannot contact him … I miss him so much as he is a genuine man what can I do I’m very lost ?

    1. Seems like he might have met someone else when he was out with his friends that night. Assume men are seeing other people until the two of you make things official.

  7. sounds like a player run for the hills !
    my man too pulls away all the time we been together 20 years
    the last 6 months he’s been doing this really regular and having 2 weeks at a time to himself which i hate so i call beg and plead but he just ignores me we also have 3 girls together so i feel like this is very unfair maybe it is just time to be done the is really breaking me

  8. I have experienced the hot and cold from this man for about a year, all 3 things you listed in this article I have done repeatedly and caused negative reactions. About a week in a half ago, he told me not to call him babe, baby, my love anymore. He doesn’t realize or remember that last time he came to visit me(3months ago), that he actually got very angry with me because he was supposed to be gone for a couple of hours but was gone for about 10 hours and I got upset. Then he handed me his phone and told me to go thru our texts, only it wasn’t my name on the header, it was another female. I have never said anything about this to him but this is what caused my insecurity of love to bombard him.

  9. Matthew,

    I read the article, watched the video and signed up but I didn’t receive the 4 word text message to send to make him feel regret snd miss me after pulling away. Can you please tell me what the 4 word text message is that I should send to illicit a response?

  10. Hi Matthew I’m sorry I’ve not been able to get own line much been in the hospital for a bit now not to mention that I had been sent off but I need a private conversation with you own that part! I can’t speak out for everyone to know the reason for this

  11. Thank you, Matthew. This is very insightful. Your articles help me how to behave around men, what to expect of/from them, and how to keep my emotions under control. Keep up the good work!

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