Why Do I Have to Change? Why Can’t Men Learn to Be Better Boyfriends? Why is it MY Responsibility?

A huge complaint/question I constantly get from women is…

“Why do I have to change? Why can’t men be the ones who change?”

That’s very good question. I can understand how frustrating it must be to think that you need to change yourself and men are just supposed to stay the same.

Before I was coaching women, I was a men’s dating coach. I helped men find, meet, and attract women for a number of years.

Actually, one of the reasons why there is so much confusion in relationships these days is because men and women have changed so much over the last several decades.

Our roles have drastically changed. Women have not only entered the workspace but it’s becoming expected that they have a job and become independent for themselves.

And that’s great news!

Women used to be completely dependent on men for their financial security. Now, they don’t NEED men for much of anything. However, this has created a unique situation for women…

Because most success in careers and jobs comes from predominantly masculine traits.

The long and short of it is this:

Women have become a lot more masculine in our society and men have become a lot more feminine, in general.

The point is that a lot of men ARE working on themselves. I’ve spoken to and taught tens of thousands of men on the topic of how to be a more attractive to women.

It’s just that men and women have dramatically different concerns about how to attract the opposite sex.

For a man, it’s much harder for him to get into a relationship with the type of woman that he wants. Whereas for women, it’s much more difficult to get a guy to stick around than it is for her to attract a guy in the first place.

For a man, the hardest part is from meet to sex. Unfortunately, this means that a guy is much less likely to be concerned with learning about the advanced stages of a relationship unless it becomes urgent for him to do so.

So here’s what this all boils down to. The reason why you need to learn and do something differently is this:

You can’t force a man to do or change anything.

So many women I meet are so focused on getting men to do this… and making him to do that… or changing a guy in some way.

Yet there’s only one person you can make or get to do anything. There’s only one person you can change… and that’s you.

That’s not to say a man isn’t responsible for himself or his actions or creating the results and relationship that he wants in his life.

However, if you focus on men needing to change… it’s quite possible that you’ll miss out on your own ability to transform and be in control of your destiny and relationships.

There are a lot of things that you can do to make sure you have a great guy who treats you well and grows together with you…

You can screen out guys who aren’t into personal growth…

You can get around more men who are into change and developing themselves…

You can encourage and support a man in his transformation and personal change…

Yet you will NEVER make men change. Neither can I. Nor can anyone. He has to make that decision himself.

A man needs to decide for himself that the change is something he wants. He must WANT the change in order for the change to occur.

We’ll talk about how to be so awesome that you influence a man’s desire to change another time. Yet for now, just know this:

You’re not wrong to think he should change. You’re not bad for wanting him to be a better man.

But neither of us are going to get men to change… especially ALL men.

All you can do is learn how to better understand them so that you can work with them through partnership in creating an extraordinary relationship together.

Men aren’t hopeless. If they were, no woman would date, get married to, or be in a relationship with one.

We have our positive aspects and traits.

And when you let go of the idea that men need to change and then take responsibility for yourself and how your relationships play out I think you’ll find that you can enjoy men, relationships, and even the dating process a whole lot more.

And if you do that, you may find that a man actually WANTS to change for you…

Here’s the reality of this situation:

There are a lot of men who are just as frustrated with dating and finding a great woman to be with as you are with dating and finding a great man to be with.

The key here isn’t to shift and lay blame on the opposite sex. The key is to learn to understand each other so that both sexes can come together in a partnership where we all get what we want out of it.

This isn’t a fantasy. I’ve seen it. And I’ve coached thousands of women AND men into relationships like these.

Stop laying blame and take responsibility for the one thing that you have the most control over… yourself.

If you start there, I promise you that creating the extraordinary relationship that you want will become a whole lot easier.

What do you think of this blog post? Please comment below and let me know what you think… should we focus on making men change themselves?

About The Author

Matthew Coast

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6 Comments

  • Trina

    Reply Reply March 9, 2015

    I really enjoyed this blog, the topic is great! I personally have learned, through general classes through work, that you can’t change people. This has helped with dating, and this blog is extra encouragement to keep the focus on me, and changing what I can, without completely losing my true being. I feel like I’m a dating disaster, making every mistake in your articles. I’m definitely hoping to change that! Thanks again!

  • shalorn

    Reply Reply May 16, 2015

    I really don’t get this I’m with this guy for 5months now and still he says we are just friends with Benefits. How can u be with some one for so long and not feel for them

    • Matthew Coast

      Reply Reply May 16, 2015

      Its not that he doesn’t feel for you Shalorn… its that you’re allowing him to be in a relationship with you while he calls it something different.

      You need to have enough respect for yourself that you only get into a relationship type that you want to. “Friend with benefits” isn’t a stage in a relationship between meeting a man and marriage.

      You never have to be a friend with benefits. If you don’t like being in that situation, get out of it.

  • Katherine

    Reply Reply May 17, 2015

    Thanks article gave me a lot to think about. But i think to understand anyone better communication needs to improve. What tips would you give to communicate with men who are too afraid to open up. I think (and this is just my opinion) that females in general are better at communicating than what men are, on an emotional front in any case…

    • Matthew Coast

      Reply Reply May 18, 2015

      Hey Katherine, thanks for the comment. Women tend to be better at communicating WITH OTHER WOMEN than men are. The problem is that men and women communicate very differently.

      And many times, we expect the opposite gender to communicate the way we like to communicate and then condemn them when they don’t do things OUR way. Believe me… men complain just as much about how women communicate as women do about men.

      That’s a big topic that needs some serious time and space to go into.

      I will give you that women are much more likely to be in touch with their own emotions and express those emotions than most men will ever be. And if you’re expecting that men will open up and communicate the way you do with them, you may be waiting a very long time for that.

      But let’s get specific here because I could go on forever about this topic and not get to what you need… what exactly do you want a man to open up about?

  • andrea

    Reply Reply August 11, 2015

    I’ve been in a relationship with my man for 11 years. About 4 years ago I started on my serious personal growth track where I was learning everything I could get my hands on about relationship and communication. The issue is that I am going at a faster rate than he is and he seems demotivated in this area. He makes huge process and then poof goes cold. I realize this happens normally even with myself but my progress does not start back at the beginning. I proceed with where I was and learn from every stage of growth. And we are not married and I’ve never been married but I would like to but there is no date and feel that lack of personal growth is the reason. I’m not quite sure how to proceed

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