What if it's not always a woman's responsibility to adjust *her sails in hopes of manipulating a man's behavior (thus, playing games)?

Relationship Questions and AdviceCategory: General Dating QuestionWhat if it's not always a woman's responsibility to adjust *her sails in hopes of manipulating a man's behavior (thus, playing games)?
Anonymous asked 2 years ago

What if the problem is that women keep being told that there’s something wrong with the way we are?  Isn’t changing my behavior towards a man in order to elicit a certain response a *choice to actively play games, thus driving a man away from a game-playing/manipulative woman?  Wouldn’t it make more sense to stop implying that there’s something wrong with us if you want us to feel independent, loving and like ‘catches’?
 
I dunno.  I love a lot of what you have to share and your advice, but these are questions that arose for me as I read.  Nearly every heading implies that women have to DO something in order to attract a man (generalizing, but you know what I mean:)  So how am I supposed to remain authentic, not play games and also manage to behave certain unnatural ways toward a guy without letting him know that I’m pretending to be a certain way so that he pursues me.  I mean…seriously ugh.  What if we teach the man to do/not do things, instead…or in addition to our adjustments, at the very least?

1 Answers
Matthew Coast answered 2 years ago

Hey, thanks for the really great questions. That’s a very important concern that I think a lot of women have. So, let me answer this in three parts.

1.Why don’t we teach men to do/not do things instead or in addition to our adjustments?

The answer to this is that “we” do. The men’s dating advice market is massive. As someone who used to teach in that market, I can tell you that there are more programs and products to help men figure out how to be men and attract women than there are programs for women.

I literally know hundreds of people teaching in the men’s dating market. I maybe know a couple dozen people teaching in the women’s market.

The thing about dating advice is that NOBODY wants to admit that they NEED dating advice to someone of the opposite sex. It makes them feel like there is something wrong with them as a person.

So, you may be dating a guy who has been getting dating advice and changing his behavior but you may never know it. Also, just like the women’s dating advice market is filled with horrible advice about how to play games and manipulate men, the men’s dating market is filled with as much or more of that type of advice (how to pick up women).

Really, most people are being taught how to manipulate each other into a relationship which is one of the big problems in the industry right now.

2.  Isn’t changing my behavior to elicit a response from a man a choice to actively play games?

It depends. If you buy a gift for a friend of yours because you want that person to feel good about themselves, does that mean that you’re actively playing a game or manipulating your friend?

It might if you don’t actually like that person and you’re trying to trick her. But if you do it from the goodness of your heart and you genuinely want that person to feel better about themselves, about you, and about life, I would just say that you’re being a good friend.

If you want to be a good friend to someone, treat them well. Make them feel good about themselves and about you. Doing this doesn’t always mean someone will become your friend, but they’re much more likely to become your friend than if you aren’t nice to them and don’t treat them well.

Its the same way in dating and relationships. Manipulation and game playing are when you’re trying to trick someone into feeling a certain way toward you or acting a certain way towards you by behaving in a non-genuine way. This never leads to a healthy relationship because the person isn’t attract to you for you, they’re just attracted to you because of a technique or a tactic that you keep using on them.

I’d argue that what we’re doing here is teaching healthy relationship practices. Are there a lot of techniques involved in it? Yeah… but that’s only because I have surveyed hundreds of women in what they want more from my programs… and most of them said, “I want to know exactly what I should say to a man, word for word.”

Is it valuable for me to give you something to say like that? Yes. Is it game playing? Not if its coming from a genuine place… a place of connecting with a man from the heart… a loving, caring, kind place. If you use it this way, it just acts like rocket fuel to more quickly deepen a relationship and create a connect with a man that may have been difficult to create otherwise.

Could you use techniques that I have in my programs to manipulate a man? Of course. That’s part of the danger of providing techniques. But that leads to your next question and my next point…

3. Why do nearly all of your headings imply that I have to DO something in order to attract men (How can I remain authentic/are you implying that there’s something wrong with me)?

I first want to start out saying that I don’t think there is something *wrong* with you. I don’t think you’re flawed as a person. You’re here because you don’t have the relationship you want.

And if you want something that you don’t currently have, logic dictates that something has to change. You know the insanity definition… doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

So… we’re in a new era of relationships. Relationships used to be fighting each other for power and control to get ones needs met. Fortunately, the female revolution came and women no longer need to rely on men in order to be financially secure.

Now, there’s a completely different way that we can be in a relationship with one another. We call this a “partnership.” In a partnership, two people work together, side by side, to help each get their needs met and experience life together in a much better way than ever before.

However, there are certain things that prevent someone from being able to get into this partnership. One of these things is mindset… if your parents lived in the old mindset of “fight to get your needs met”, you may have that mindset as well.

And no matter how many times I tell you that there’s this new mindset, unless you radically shift the way you think, you’re still going to ACT in the old mindset. That’s one of the other reasons I give techniques out…

The techniques I give you are examples of how someone would behave if they had this new mindset. And if you begin behaving in this new way, that’s one of the ways to help you shift that mindset.

Another thing that will prevent you from experiencing a partnership is past relationship trauma. Let’s say that you dated a guy who was emotionally abusive to you. Until you heal that area of your life, you may only get into a relationship if you have your guard up and don’t have to get real and vulnerable with someone.

Well, if you aren’t willing to really get vulnerable, no guy who wants a deeply emotionally intimate relationship is going to date you. So for the rest of your life, you’re going to be stuck in superficial relationships until you do the work necessary to heal and let go of that experience you had.

And there are probably a dozen or more things that could be going on with you that will prevent you from having the ability to get into a partnership.

Let me get super honest and show you some background stuff going on… just because I love transparency. When I first got into the women’s dating space, I created a program to help women shift their mindsets, heal their past, and do all the things necessary so that they are able and willing to get into a partnership.

I launched the program to our tribe which had about 3000 women in it at the time. I made zero sales. And this isn’t surprising at all…

I’ve been in the business world for a long time and I know a lot of the dating coaches in the women’s dating industry. Most of the women who teach how to create genuine, authentic relationships can’t stay in business for very long. Most of them don’t sell anything.

Why?

Because getting your $#!T together in order to have a real relationship isn’t very popular among women. The number 1 selling course in the women’s dating market right now is a course about how to make men obsessed with you by uttering some manipulative phrases.

When they launched their program last year, they made something like 10 million dollars in a week selling it. What’s the lesson? People don’t buy what they need, they buy the result that they want.

I created the program, “How to Make Him Fall in Love with You” and it began selling like crazy. The program has a lot of technique stuff and some mindset component stuff included in it. But if I made it called, “How to be the woman that men naturally love”… I may not have sold any.

Which is exactly why the names of my article titles are the names that they are. When I created titles like, “The mindset shift you need in order to create your partnership” which is something I’ve created before… NOBODY reads the article.

We live in the land of quick fixes. People want things that promise instant results from doing something different RIGHT NOW. What you’re seeing in the headlines of my articles is simply marketing.

Its a result of finding a whole bunch of things that don’t work and if I didn’t change the articles to what you see right now, I wouldn’t be able to do the work that I do and my site would shut down and I’d have to go get a regular job like many other people I know who tried and failed in this industry.

And I don’t want to do that. I have a message and a calling… I want to change the way that relationships are experienced. We’re at the forefront of a movement to change the way that men and women relate to one another.

And the only way that I can be a part of that is if I create titles that get women to read what I’m writing. I don’t mean to make you feel like there’s something wrong with you.

My intent is to get you to read what I’m writing so that you see that there’s a different way to relate to and connect with men that allows you to maintain the integrity of who you are while simultaneously being and doing things that help get you what you want.

Thanks again for the great question. I hope that answered it. In the future, you should see some articles and titles that draw you in and still feel in alignment with being genuine and authentic.

We’re all in a learning process and I’m far from perfect in what I do.

Take care

suzercise replied 2 years ago

Thank you for taking the time to respond.In retrospect, I unilaterally appointed myself the spokeswoman for woman-kind, there…lol and in so-doing, wasn’t really referring to myself. Likely wasn’t as clear as I could have been.Admittedly, I became a bit lost in all of your words, but appreciate that your intention was both candor and thoroughness. I look forward to reading your insights in the future. Smile Thanks again, Suzanne