My Situation

Alyx asked 8 months ago

Hello,
I have a situation with this guy that I really like and I need help. First let me give you a little background about both of us. We are both currently attending the same college and we actually met at the beginning of the semester (January 11, 2017) siting next to each other in Jazz Band (we both play the trombone). I’m 22 1/2 years old and have never been in a relationship my entire life and he is 19 almost 20 years old and I don’t know if he’s been in a relationship before. I should also add that we’re both not that great at making eye contact.
 
Honestly, I was a little intimidated by him at first because I didn’t know who he was but I asked him a question about a note in the music and I realized that he is actually kind of nice and we really started talking every day in jazz band because he couldn’t play the lowest part that he was playing so he started to play the part that I play and now we both play the same part. When we first started talking it was only twice a week on Monday’s and Wednesday’s for an hour of Jazz Band, and was just being friendly and just talking about the music and trombones during jazz band. I was only thinking that he would be a good friend, I wasn’t thinking anything romantic about him (I liked another guy then, but not anymore).

Then about a month after meeting (On February 13) I asked him to help me loft my bed because I wasn’t strong enough. He came to help and then we started to talk and ask about each other outside of jazz band and he helped me with other little random things, like giving me a ride to the store because I don’t have a vehicle. I realized the week of February 13 that I had started to develop feelings for him and wanted to get to know more about him. One day, he was sick and couldn’t make it to jazz band so I went to his room (we both live on campus) about 1/2 hour before jazz band to get the music for jazz band. I ended up staying for 25 minutes before band just talking to him. I’ve been to his room a couple of other times after that and we’ve talked for a while. When we were talking we’d both be smiling and laughing and just enjoying spending time together. I found out that we have a lot of common interest (a few are climbing, music, and basically anything outside) and he introduced slack lining to me and I really enjoy it now that I’ve bought my own slack line. I’ve told him stuff that I rarely tell anyone and he’s told me some private stuff about him too.
 
On March 3 I messaged him on Facebook asking him if I could give him something and he gave me the thumbs up. I went to his room after my last class and we talked for about 45 minutes and I had to leave because we each had things to do (March 6-10 was Mid-term break). As I was about to leave I gave him what I said I was going to give him. What I gave him was a note folded into a heart in a hand made envelope saying “Hi Will, There is something that I’ve been wanting to tell you for a little while now. I think you are a really cool guy and that you have a great personality. That is why I like you and I was wondering if maybe you feel the same way about me. You don’t have to tell me your answer right away but I would appreciate an answer eventually. Always, Alyx”.

I didn’t see or talk to him until jazz band when classes started again on March 13. It was a little awkward during band. We’ve talked a little every day since then, even on the weekends. After break he still talked to me like before I gave him the note and I noticed one evening when we were both at the indoor bouldering/climbing wall on the campus (we’re both in the campus climbing club) I asked another guy with some help on how to do a certain route and Will just basically took over telling me how to do the route instead. Last Friday night after a climbing event I walked into my room at about 11:30pm and started crying. I called Will at midnight and told him that I was upset and he asked why was I upset and I told him that I didn’t know why. He stayed on the phone with me just talking for 20 minutes until he said that he had to go to bed. I told him that he helped calm me down just by talking and he said “good”. 
 
Monday March 20 I got my new slack line and was having problems setting it up so I texted Will if he could help. I had to go to class so I left my slack line half way put up and a couple hours later he texted back saying “Sure” for helping me. I got back to my slack line and it was already put up. Another guy was putting up his slack line and Will was helping him put up his slack line. Then he came over, in the middle of helping the other guy, showing me how to put it up and I asked if he put it up and said that he did. That night at about 7:15pm or so he was on RA duty and I went to his room because I wanted to talk to him earlier but wasn’t able to. So I was in his room just talking about random things we he asked “What did you want to talk about?” (I texted earlier asking if we could talk) and I said that I wasn’t comfortable talking about it with his door open (it has to be open when RA’s are on duty) and he said okay.

He sat on his bed a few minutes later and I was going to leave but I wanted to give him a hug to show him my appreciation. He grabbed both my wrist before I could hug him (I was pretty close to hugging him before he stopped me) and said “Boundaries. Did you not see the email I sent?”. (This is the email that he sent at 12:04am Monday: “Listen Alyx, your a really nice and interesting person, but I’m really busy. I’m fine helping answer your questions with slacklines or giving you climbing tips or talking at Jazz band and being friendly; but with classes, work, RA stuff, climbing club, etc., I seriously do not have the time or energy for anything beyond that. You deserve to be around people who can make time for you, but unfortunately that’s not me. Luckily Northland is full of really cool, nice people who I am positive would love to make time for you in their lives. Get involved in more clubs and organizations and you’ll find them everywhere. I hope you understand.“) Then I said I might as well talk about what I wanted to talk about then told him almost everything.

This has me confused though, he doesn’t seem to mind when we touch hands, walk so close we’re practically touching, sitting and/or standing we’re practically touching or we really are touching. But when I was pretty close to hugging him, while he was sitting on his bed, he stopped me by grabbing both of my wrist (he grabbed me pretty gently and didn’t push me away, I backed away) I asked before I left his room Monday night if I could give him a hug to show him my appreciation and he said “No. I’m not comfortable with that”. Then just as I was leaving I asked if he was going to make it to jazz band on Wednesday and he smiled and answered me like he normally would. I’m very confused on why he seems alright with me being close to him and practically touching each other but he’s not okay with me hugging him. The next day I saw him for a few minutes I asked him what his boundaries were and he basically said something about the boundaries within our friendship and to ask for consent to enter each other’s personal space.

(This next part isn’t in the order of the conversation we had) I told him that I was at first intimidated but then I realized he was actually nice and I only thought about him as a friend until he started to help me the week of February 13. I also told him “that I’ve never ever been this comfortable talking to someone after just knowing them for 2 months, I’ve actually been comfortable about a month after meeting you and that has never happened before with ANYONE. (I have a very hard time opening up to people, it takes a long time) I’ve also never trusted anyone as much as I trust you in this short amount of time.” While I was telling him this he wasn’t really looking at me and was smiling a lot. I actually said out loud to his face (something like this) “I’ve never actually said ‘I like you’ to a guy that I like before” and he was smiling a little at this.

He said before this that I’m a nice and interesting person but he is just to busy. He also said that he wasn’t interested in me that way (I have this weird feeling that he was lying about that part though) but he mostly kept repeating that he is too busy for anything more, he barely has time for his friends. He also told me “There are more people that are nicer than me”. I exclaimed “What! Who can be nicer than you? You’ve been really nice, like when you put up my slack line today” (He was smiling the whole time I said this). Him “Well, it was just laying there and I knew nobody else to have a new slack line (something like that)”. While he was saying this he wasn’t looking at me, was a little hesitant, and was slightly smiling, too. He also said that I was giving him more credit than he deserved and I answered “No I’m not. (something like) You have been really nice to me since we’ve met and I really do appreciate it”. I have a feeling that he doesn’t think that he is a nice person but I know for a fact that he is a really nice person. Every time I asked for help he’d help me, even if it’s not on that day that I asked he’d always reschedule to when he can help me. I never had a guy do that for me at all. I also told him that I’ve never had a boyfriend before and never been kissed or anything (I’m thinking that I probably shouldn’t have told him this or mentioned the other couples that I’ve seen on campus or kind of mumbled something like “maybe it’s just that I never been in a relationship before or I don’t know….”). There were quite a few times were there were just silence between us. A few minutes before I left (he was busy with stuff and was hinting for me to leave) I told him that I look up to him, that he’s been influencing me in a good way with changing some of my bad habits (He smiled at this).
 
I asked that Monday night if we could still be friends and he said yes but he hasn’t really talked to me much since that Monday night, it’s only been a few minutes and not talking about random things, he’s just been answering a couple of my questions that I’ve been asking. He was talking to me a little every day since then, but I’ve been the one to initiate the conversation and it’s only been a few minutes. He doesn’t answer all of my texts, calls, or emails since then either (I’ve only sent 1 email and about 5 texts, he answered 2 of them). But I caught him checking my chest out during jazz band Monday March 20 (I was wearing a kind of revealing shirt, just showing my cleavage) and while I was stretching at the climbing wall Tuesday March 21 night after climbing I was bent over stretching my legs, my back to Will, and (looking in between my legs) saw him looking at me, slightly smiling for a little while. We’ve touched hands a couple of times since we met and I get the feeling that he likes me.
 
I don’t know if he really is that busy or just not into me or what. I’m confused and I really do like him a lot. Like I’ve said before, I’ve never felt this comfortable or trust someone this much after knowing them for only a little over 2 months and he’s been so nice to me. I’ve liked a lot of guys and I’m just tired of this whole guessing game. I know I’m only 22 and still young but I believe, even though I’m 22 and he’s only 19, I feel like he might be just the guy I’m looking for. He also understands and is amazed at how I overcome my medical obstacles (I have 1 out of 2 difficult medical thing that I was born with) and he helps when I need (1 thing is I’m hard-of-hearing) to hear and repeats without complaints when I need it. Normally when I first see an attractive guy I think about dating them, when I meet Will I first thought about being friends then I realized later that I had developed feelings for him and that has never happened before. I’ve been giving him a couple of complements from time to time and have always told him thank you after every time that he had helped me and that I appreciated his help a lot.
 
I have just finished reading a couple of another dating coach’s books and I still need some help. I do now understand some things about men and understand that I’ve done maybe a few small, but significant, things to push him away (especially since March 20) but I still need help. How do I get him back? Especially since he’s so busy and said that he’s just doesn’t have the time or energy for anything more? He was fine before break, and before I told him that I like him in the note (I didn’t stick around to see his reaction to my note, I didn’t think and just left saying have fun on your trip). And what exactly did I do to push him away?
 
Please help me.
 
Alyx Hatfield
P.S. I don’t know if this is important or not, but next fall semester Will is going to a college in Alaska for a semester and we won’t be able to see each other until next January for winter term. I don’t know if that impacts his feelings for me or not, if I’m correct in assuming that he does have feelings for me. I’m not sure or not if I’m staying on campus this summer or not, Will is staying on campus this summer (I believe, if I heard correctly). I’m also scared of losing him when he leaves and that he will forget me or find someone else. I’ve never had such strong feelings for anyone before and I also care about him a lot.
P.P.S. I know I need to give him some space but it’s been rather difficult. We are both at a very small college (of about 600 students) and in the same climbing club so we see each other practically every day or text/email because something comes up about jazz band or climbing club, and we have to see each other twice a week for jazz band. My question is how do I give him space in this situation especially if we have a lot of the same interest and see each other at those interest?

1 Answers
Tabitha Pratt answered 8 months ago

Alyx,
I realize that I may have addressed some of these questions already, although this question has me concerned honey. I hope that you have not gotten obsessed with this boy. 🙁
This boy is clearly telling you that he only wants to be friends. He is being kind to you but he has put up some massive boundaries.
You must respect these boundaries. You are borderlining on freaking this guy out! 
Now your other question makes sense as to why he is backing away and why he is getting overwhelmed- he is getting overwhelmed by You.
For starters, you are, borderline, aggressively, pursuing him. Chasing him. This must stop right away! You are pushing him and making him have not the best feelings towards you.
Honey, I know you like this guy, but you must respect his wishes.