I've met a guy who has lost his wife a year and 7 mths ago. At first things were good between us and then he started distancing himself. we communicate daily but I hardly see him like before. im very caring and sensitive towards him. Am I doing something wrong. I know he needs time to heal but he sends mixed signals and its confusing me.

Relationship Questions and AdviceCategory: General Dating QuestionI've met a guy who has lost his wife a year and 7 mths ago. At first things were good between us and then he started distancing himself. we communicate daily but I hardly see him like before. im very caring and sensitive towards him. Am I doing something wrong. I know he needs time to heal but he sends mixed signals and its confusing me.
Anonymous asked 2 years ago
Matthew Coast replied 2 years ago

What do you mean that he sends you mixed signals? What kind of mixed signals is he sending you?

chenellebell replied 2 years ago

One day he gives himself emotionally and is happy the next he pulls back and goes silent. I’ve never been in a situation like this so its hard for me to understand him.

1 Answers
Matthew Coast answered 2 years ago

I apologize for taking so long to answer your question.
 
What’s going on with him could be at least two different things…
 
The first thing that it could be is how he deals with intimacy and closeness. A lot of women out there tend to move towards their lovers when they’re dealing with emotions, intimacy and past trauma. They want to get closer to someone and receive support through bonding.
 
A lot of men tend to do exactly the opposite. They need to have space and freedom and distance when they processing emotional events. This is why a lot of guys will end up disappearing for awhile after they’ve gotten close to a woman.
 
He needs that space to process things. It’s very possible that this is a learned type of behavior from either childhood or some other time in his life. But I wouldn’t go about attempting to change it. Just have compassion for him and allow him to have space whenever he needs it.
 
It could also have to do with his personality style. Either way, again, you need to come from a space of understanding and compassion for him if you want to be with him through this. Don’t attempt to push him through it or even help him through it unless he asks for it.
 
He needs to process through it on his own (or through therapy or counseling/coaching). There are some other possibilities as to what this is but given what you’ve told me, it sounds like it’s simply his way of processing things.
 
And if you want to stay with him, you have to be supportive of his distance and space when he needs it. Otherwise, he may come to resent you for crowding him.

chenellebell replied 2 years ago

Thanku so much for your help. Much appreciated. At least now I understand much more clearly