How to get commitment the right way?

Relationship Questions and AdviceCategory: CommitmentHow to get commitment the right way?
Anonymous asked 2 years ago

I have a complicated situation. I have been dating my ex again for the last 6 months. We have been trying to take things slow and work back in to a relationship. He came to me at one point wanting a relationship but I told him I wasn’t ready yet. About a month and a half ago I decided I was ready but before I could really tell him that he told me he was glad I wasn’t ready before because it wasn’t the right time. We decided to take about a week break to make sure we felt the same way for each other after not talking or seeing each other.
During that break all my friends kept telling me I needed to tell him i want a relationship now or we are done. But I didn’t feel like an ultimatum was the right way. When we finally went to meet up he pretty much spoiled me with dinner, movie, and ice cream. He spent hours with me after that and finally talked. The more we talked about things the more I knew things were more complicated with him than I thought. It really wasn’t just bout how he feels about me. I told him what I wanted and the next day he told me that he really likes me and would totally be with me if he had his life together.
Just to explain he got pulled over a few times in the past without insurance and had his license taken away and he recently moved in with his parents for a bit to save for his own place. In about 4 months now he will have his license back and will be looking for a new job and such. He is sure that we can he can have something really special and he wants to make sure nothing messes it up. He doesn’t feel like he can be the man he wants to be for me right now with out his life in order. Honestly it didn’t work out very well the first time we were in a relationship and that could be why. But he thinks that if we can just hold off for 6 months before we move forward that things will be way better. He really wants to be a better man for me and be able to really be there for me.
So I was wondering if I should just continue on how we have been for the next 6 months and just see what happens? Or is there anything I can do to help him see that none of that matters to me and shouldn’t matter to him? I really don’t mind how things are now, I’m happy and he has been great. My gut does not tell me to run. I feel like patience is the best but I just wanted a professional opinion.
Thank you so much for reading,
Ivana

1 Answers
Matthew Coast answered 2 years ago

Hi Ivana,

Thanks for the great question. A relationship means something completely different to a man than it does to a woman. The traditional masculine, male role in a relationship is as of the provider. This is something that’s not only conditioned by society but also very primal in a man’s mind.

A man feels like he needs to protect, provide, and create a safe foundation for a woman, a family, etc. And while male and female roles have shifted a lot over the last few decades and you may not feel like you need a man to support you financially or provide for you in any way, that doesn’t change how he feels.

One of the things I talk a lot about in my program How to Make Him Fall in Love With You is that to a man, one of the most important things that he could ever experience… above love and above just about anything else… whether he’s consciously aware of it or not is the feeling of respect.

He needs to feel like you respect him. And more importantly, he needs to feel like he can respect himself. And for a lot of men, their feelings of self-respect have a lot to do with their ability to earn a living and the ability (not necessarily the action) to provide for the woman who is in his life.

You’re actually in a pretty good situation. He told you what he needs to do and he’s given you a time frame for how long it’s going to take. If you want to be in a relationship with him, you have to let him get this part of his life together.

If you attempt to force him into something or give him some type of ultimatum, that will just make him feel like you don’t respect who he is and what he needs to do for you and your relationship. And an ultimatum will only make him feel conflicted and probably start making him resent you for not allowing him to do this for himself and for you.

If you’re okay with waiting six months… I suggest you do just that. Give him the time and space he needs that will allow him to get this part of his life together. It’s much more important to his feelings of being a man for you in your relationship than you probably realize.

Crazy4rkchick replied 2 years ago

Thank you so much for this. Matthew. I took you advice and everything has only gradually gotten better between us. He’s done a complete 180. He’s been talking about our future together a lot the past month (moving in together, marriage, kids) and he really wants to rush and be in a relationship, but I remind him that he will feel much better when he has his life together to do that. Haha. He’s just been absolutely amazing. I have yet to tell him I love him because I want him to say it first when he’s ready if you think that is the best way to go about it? I figured I’d at least wait until we are in a relationship. We only have 3 months left! The great thing about it is I’m not only excited to get to that point where we can move forward but I’m excited about everyday up until that point. We have had so many deep conversations where he had told me that he feels like we grow closer everyday and we think its great we’ve taken everything very slow. It’s so much better than jumping into things. Anyway I’m rambling now. Haha I just wanted to thank you again and if you could give me some input about when I should tell him I love him that would be awesome! Hope all is well with you and God bless you. 🙂

Matthew Coast replied 2 years ago

Hi Ivana,Thanks for the update. I’m glad things are going well for you. Yes, my suggest is to wait.Just let the emotion build and build. There’ll be a natural time for it to happen, whether you end up saying it or he does (if you want to wait for him first, that tends to work pretty well).Another thing you might want to think about doing is getting the word love more of a comfortable thing to say in your relationship. When there’s a lot of anticipation around it, it can be awkward for either of you to say it.Whereas, if you start saying the word (like “I LOVE it when you compliment me like that”), it becomes an easier thing to say.Another sneaky, ninja thing to do is to start accusing him of falling in love with you… this also makes the conversation easier to have and it takes pressure off of him to say it.You’d do this whenever he does something that indicates he likes you… but nothing that he does when he’s seriously showing he likes you (like you’d do it if he does something sweet like letting you wear his coat when its cold outside, and NOT when he says that he’s growing emotionally closer to you).And if you do this, make sure to end it with a positive note so that he doesn’t think you’re picking on him or something… like saying, “Oh, thank you… you’re totally falling for me… (then kiss him on the cheek).”Anyway, you don’t need to go overboard on it but those are some ideas for you. Hope everything turns out well. Let me know if you need anything else.