Hello Matt…. regarding your email "Will he love you for who you are" I'll be honest with you lately I've been feeling like a complete plank and as if I'll never be able to connect with any man on a deeper level, I'm not one for serious conversations such as "political views or work related issues" not saying I won't try my utmost best to support him in what he needs but when it comes to book knowledge let's just say its not my forte….. I worry that I'm doomed for life and that the fear of feeling completely stupid will hold me back….. where does one go from here?? Bron

Relationship Questions and AdviceCategory: Breakup RecoveryHello Matt…. regarding your email "Will he love you for who you are" I'll be honest with you lately I've been feeling like a complete plank and as if I'll never be able to connect with any man on a deeper level, I'm not one for serious conversations such as "political views or work related issues" not saying I won't try my utmost best to support him in what he needs but when it comes to book knowledge let's just say its not my forte….. I worry that I'm doomed for life and that the fear of feeling completely stupid will hold me back….. where does one go from here?? Bron
Anonymous asked 2 years ago

1 Answers
Matthew Coast answered 2 years ago

Hi Bron,
 
Thanks for the question. Let me help you draw a distinction here that I think you’re missing…
 
When you’re connecting with a man on a deeper level, you’re not doing it with political knowledge, book knowledge, work knowledge or really any other type of knowledge.
 
It isn’t knowledge that a man is looking for. In fact, if you focus on connecting with men in book knowledge type of stuff, you run the risk of not connecting with him at all. And if you do connect with him this way, you may end up being “just a friend” or, even worse, “one of the guys.”
 
Men don’t look to women for book knowledge… to some men, if you were good at politics, etc… that may be a plus. For a lot of other men, it would be extremely unattractive and boring (if you tried to talk to me about politics or work I would probably get bored pretty quickly or at least mildly annoyed).
 
So there are two things I want you to leave with here…
 
1. You don’t connect with men on knowledge, you connect with them on emotion.
 
It is a BIG mistake to think that you’re going to connect with a man on logical topics. While you may think men don’t have emotions or they barely have emotions, that’s just a cover up. Men have LOTS of emotion and its important to connect with him on emotion.
 
Note that this doesn’t mean you should dump your emotional baggage out onto him. It also doesn’t mean that you should start talking about your insecurities right away.
 
It means that if you want to connect with a man’s heart, you need to connect with your heart. Because it is only from your heart that you will draw out a man’s emotions.
 
How do you feel? How do the things he’s talking about make you feel? How does it feel to be with him? How do you feel about where you are?
 
These types of feelings don’t scare a man away… they draw a man closer to you. They get him out of his head and put him into his heart… where real deep connection lies.
 
And being a woman, you have a special connection to emotion that he will never have. And that’s what men want to connect with in a woman… not your logic… not politics… not work.
 
2. If a man does talk to you about politics, work, etc… focus less on his knowledge and more about how he feels about what he’s talking about.
 
If he’s talking to you about work, politics, books, or whatever… focus on listening to him. Connect with how he feels about those subjects. Connect with his passion or lack of passion. Connect with his frustrations or hurt.
 
How does he feel about these topics? A lot of men don’t particularly care to hear about what you have to say about these topics if they bring them up. They want to express how they are feeling (BTW women do it as well) about those topics and what they think… what their viewpoint is.
 
Instead of focusing on having an intellectual conversation about it, listen to how he feels and ask him questions about it. If a guy is blabbing on about a topic you don’t know about, it’s important to him.
 
So let him talk! Let him babble on about it. And make sure you connect with his emotions and ask him why he feels the way he does. That will make for a much more interesting conversation to him than you attempting to act smart on a topic you don’t know anything about and don’t particularly care about.