Last year I met a guy who was living with his long term girlfriend of 14 years. We were intimate right away and he moved out within 3 months so that we could have a relationship. We were very much in love and were best friends too. We were serious very fast, trips with kids and holidays with friends and family and everything. He said that was what he wanted and he wasn’t getting that from the ex. (she rejected his marriage proposal 2 yrs prior) Eight months into the relationship we started arguing often because of things he wasn’t doing to show me love (no effort and being lazy) and I became very hurt by it. He pulled back and broke it off. That was 8 months ago. I of course have not taken the break well and can’t let go. I don’t want to let go. My love is real and he told me his was too, I want to work on it but he doesn’t/cant right now. He told me he isn’t as ready as he thought he was and doesn’t want to be in a relationship until he can give 100%. He said he doesn’t want to keep messing it up between just because he isn’t ready. At this point we still text often. I have tried everything to get back with him and he won’t. I even try to just see him as friends but he won’t. He did bring me flowers for my birthday in July but soon after we had another argument over something he did that hurt my feelings and he ran off again. A week or 2 out I will start to really miss him and give him a guilt trip about not being my friend and then we start texting again. This has happened several times the past 8 months of being apart. I know he is a good guy and loved me as much as he could at the time but he has too much emotional baggage from the past relationships. He has made it clear to me and others that he is not going back to the ex, he is focusing on himself for the first time ever. He feels he wasted the last 20 years in relationships with others trying to make them happy and he ended up heartbroken. I understand that and I have tried to not contact him and give him his space but like I said, I don’t want to let go. He has never told me he doesn’t love me, or go away, or anything like that. I have so much love for him but I can’t show it and it’s very hard for me to keep it in. Then I get hurt when he acts like he can’t even be my friend 🙁
My question is this. What should I do? Is there still a chance for us later? Was I really just a rebound?
Big Broken Heart
Hi Big Broken Heart,
Thanks for the question. You may not realize it, but the problem you have with this guy is incredibly big. He’s going to continue this show up and then hide when things get tough game until he takes the step to mature and get over whatever is going on in his past. And that’s really where the problem starts…
You see, you mentioned already that you gave him a guilt trip and you’ve tried everything to get him back. And if he really does focus on himself and get his past healed and let go of his past relationships, he’s not going to want a woman who gives him guilt trips and does whatever she can to get him back.
He’s going to want a woman who is more interested in letting him pursue her and allows him to be the man in the relationship. He’s going to want a woman who doesn’t use guilt trips on him (which is manipulation) and doesn’t play games with him.
He’s going to want a woman he authentically connects to. You can be that woman for him but you have to give up all this “trying to get him back” stuff, give him some space, and allow him to work on himself.
In fact, the best chance you have of getting him back is if you let him go. While that may seem like odd advice, men commit to relationships because THEY invest in and pursue a woman, not because a woman invests in and pursues them.
And so if you continue to do this thing where you attempt to get him back, he’ll continue to evade you until you stop. And if he continues to pursue you without working on himself first, he’ll continue to run from the relationship until he heals his past.
Because every time you mention something about what he’s not doing to show you love like he should be, he’s going to feel two things…
- He’s going to feel like you don’t accept him as a person. If you’re constantly trying to get him to do things, he’ll feel like you don’t trust him and accept him. And so, every time you do that, he’ll feel like you just don’t understand him and that you’re judging him and making him wrong.
- And the other thing that’s going to happen is he’s going to feel like he’s the source of your happiness and that your happiness and feelings of love are dependent on him. And then he’s right back in the pattern and cycle that’s kept him getting heart broken.
I know that you said you just, can’t and won’t let him go. But that’s not true. You can let him go and it’s your best chance of getting him back. So you have a choice to make, you can either keep playing this game with him or you can let him go and give him a chance to help himself and come back to you.
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