I was seeing someone for a while who decided he just wanted us to be “friends with benefits” I stupidly agreed. But he still asks for pics of me and sends me pics of him. He also sends me pics of things tht he’s done such as changing things on his jeep or car he’s stripped and decorating he’s done. He gets really close to me but then he pulls away and closes off. If I don’t talk to him for a couple of days he’ll message me. But I’m starting to feel used. I do love him but am I just wasting my time?
Hi there, thanks for the question.
This is a legitimate concern. This sounds a lot like the he acts like he wants more but says he wants to be casual issue some of the women in our community have had.
Let me address the issue of his getting close and then pulling away first… as strange as this may seem to you, a lot of men need to pull away for a little bit after they’ve gotten close to a woman.
This is NOT a bad thing. If he does this, you need to give him his space. This is the time when he’s processing those feelings and if you start grasping or clinging to him, he’ll want to push even further away. If you allow him that space, which it sounds like you’re doing, he’ll talk you up in his mind during that time. And that’s what you want him to do.
The only way you can know whether you’re wasting your time or not is to ask him. You need to have a really honest conversation with him where you tell him how you feel about him and then say let him know that you’re not willing to continue the way you’re currently going unless he wants something more.
And don’t do this as a way to manipulate him but as an authentic expression of what is going on with you. It’s possible that he will tell you he does want something more with you. It’s also very possible that he’ll tell you that he isn’t ready for a relationship yet.
If he says this to you, ask him what it will take for him to be ready. And then just stop talking and let him tell you. Most men who aren’t ready for relationships know why they aren’t ready.
Regardless of whether he tells you or not, if he says he isn’t ready, tell him that you’d like to see him but only once he’s ready to be in the relationship fully with you. You need to respect yourself enough to only be in a relationship where the man you’re with wants the same thing you want.
It’s possible that he’ll get it together and eventually come back to you. What probably will never happen though is him getting it together and getting to a point where he’s ready for something more while he’s still seeing you and you’re okay with him not being ready.
The reason is because if you’re seeing him and giving him everything he needs in a relationship while you allow him to call it casual, he won’t have any reason to figure out whatever he needs to figure out.
I know this is a really challenging conversation to have. There’s a very good chance you’ll have to walk away from the relationship. When you’re ready to do that, you need to have this conversation. Otherwise, you can just assume that this relationship isn’t going anywhere.
I know women who have had relationships like the one you’re in and spent years with a guy who they *thought* was wanting something more… yet to a guy, what he’s got is great. Why would he want anything more? He already is getting everything he wants from you without the label, without it going anywhere.
And men don’t have a clock ticking in their head like women do. Most men don’t feel like things need to progress anytime soon. A man will stay in a casual relationship for decades if a woman allows him to.
So when you decide that you’re not longer willing to let this go on without some type of certainty, have the conversation.
You have the power in this situation. He’s only casual with you because you allow him to be.
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